Forgiveness feels like a four letter word

I have had to deal with, to me, some DIFFICULT forgiveness in my life.  They were painful and so very hard to do.  Like giant heavy walls I had to let God help me break through.  But I had to make the choice to submit to God, to remember that He died for me JUST like He did for these other people.

I had to forgive the men who murdered my dad.

I had to forgive my step-mother for not allowing my sister and I to attend our own father’s wake and funeral.

Those were SO hard to forgive.

This one is right up there.

On January 19, 2010, Tim confessed to me that he had an affair in the fall.  There are not even words to describe the shock, pain and bewilderment that this happened.

And yet, I have to forgive him.  Let me assure you, I have not been able to do that yet!  But I know I have to.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but it angers me that God has and is giving him grace for this.  I know, that sounds terrible, but it’s how I feel.

And I’m conflicted because I KNOW what the Bible says about forgiveness.  Jesus gave us many examples of His forgiveness.  I know that God has forgiven me for my multitude of sins, so therefore I need to forgive others…even Tim for this.

I know that forgiveness does not mean I am saying it is all ok.  I know that NOT forgiving only holds me back and gets between me and God.

I believe I will get there.  But right now it feels impossible.

But I know God is bigger than this.  He is bigger than my FEELINGS (which change with the wind).  He is big enough to handle my unforgiveness right now and lovingly keep pushing me toward forgiveness.  He will be big enough to give me the strength to forgive.

What about you?  Has it been tough for you to forgive before?

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6 thoughts on “Forgiveness feels like a four letter word

  1. Vicky,
    I am just now making my way around to your blog again. Even though you’re on my blog roll, things have been crazy so I haven’t been doing my regular blog-reading.

    I am so, so sorry to hear this, and I am praying for you. I’ve read all the way through and saw that you went (or are still going?) through intensive therapy. Good for you. Oh this must be so hard. Please please reach out to me if you want me to pray for anything specific.

    Rachel

    • thanks so much Rachel! the support from my “leading and loving it” ladies is amazing! what did we ever do before the internet!??!

      i really appreciate the prayers! we went for one week of intensive counseling at Blessing Ranch a month ago. we are continuing individual counseling back at home too. it is very hard. it’s quite a roller coaster of ups and downs. but i KNOW and actually feel God with me which gives me the strength to keep going. it’s a lot of work. and will be for a long time. but i’m not going to give up and let satan win. EVER! so, in meantime i am being held up at times by the prayers of others and am trying my best to be obedient to God through this process.

      thank you for your support and prayers!

  2. Pingback: Welcome Party-ers! « this and that and then some

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