Can I really be used?

I’ve been reading Cindy Beall’s blog lately.  I also watched some videos about her and her husband’s journey through healing from his infidelity in their marriage.  Someone recommended to me to read her story because she has said that she would not take back what she has been through.  If it meant that she could have the marriage that she has today, she would go through that all again – her marriage today is THAT good!

Those words blew my mind!  That just sounds completely ridiculously impossible to me right now.  But I believe her.  In my head anyway.  I just am not at that point yet.

But on her blog she tells of when she met with her mom’s pastor after her husband confessed to her.  She also mentions it in one of the videos.  And these words have been sticking in my head so hard and I am really battling with them.  This is what that pastor said to her:

“I would respect you if you felt that you needed to remove yourself from your marriage. What you’ve endured is very hard. But, you are not a fool to stay and be a part of the redemptive work in a man’s life.

Those words have been rocking my mind lately.  There are times lately when God has been able to get me out of myself and not look at just my pain.  When that happens, these words come to mind.

God might want to use ME as a tool in TIM’S process?

I have been thinking at times about what God might want to do through this.  How might He use this in my life to point people to Him?  Might God allow me to help others through this journey down the road?  How can God use me to help others because of this?

But I never thought of how God could use me to help Tim.  That’s asking an AWFUL LOT, don’t you think????

But I was also reminded of the words of our counselor at Blessing Ranch.  He did say that I have every right to leave Tim.  And I have to hear from God if I am to stay or leave.  But he also said if I stay, this marriage would be the “foundation of inner healing of each of us”.

I have been trying to pray for Tim.  I haven’t done it everyday, but I am trying.

I remember another thing Cindy Beall said in those videos was that she had always prayed and told God she would do whatever He asked to bring glory to Him – and was this God cashing in on that?  I could so relate with that!  I didn’t get into ministry for the money!  I want God to use my life to point people to Him – the good parts of my life and the bad.

I want to let God mold me to become more like Him.  That is NOT an easy process.  But I know it’s worth it.

Maybe this is part of that process.  Maybe He’s cutting out a big chunk of me – the part that wants revenge – and that hurts.  It is so much easier to be mad at Tim and be vengeful.  That hurts less.

But if I am still trying to make Tim suffer, I cannot be part of God’s redemptive work in his life.  And in the process of being part of God’s redemptive work in Tim’s life, God will be redeeming me and making me more like Himself too.

That doesn’t mean I just pretend that it didn’t happen or that I am all ok with it.  It goes back to the “grit”!  There is NOTHING easy about it.

That’s all rolling around in my head.  Sometimes I act on it, just a little bit, many times I don’t.  But I am trying to be obedient, trying, no matter how hard that is sometimes.

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4 thoughts on “Can I really be used?

  1. UGH. You hit the nail right on the head.

    Thanks for writing that. If i wasn’t so tired and still so residually angry about my own circumstances, I think I’d have more to say. I will call you tomorrow, ok? I love you tons!

    ~em

  2. A friend of mine sent me the link to your blog…as she has been walking alongside of me choosing to be obedient for almost 6 months now. I would LOVE to chat, share insight and encourage you sister! JUST remember, God truly DOES have a purpose and a plan in all of this! As I continue to battle for my marriage I am learning so many things, and i see small blessings in other marriages that have seen what can happen in a marriage that seemed to be one of God’s ~ extremely blessed~ BAM!!! Choose to sin and choose to suffer, unfortunatly he choose for all of us to suffer along with him…I choose JOY and I choose Christ and therefore, i choose obedience.

    I know the days seem long and hard and hurtful. It seems like it will never be good again….but remember, your love is for Christ FIRST!! with that NOTHING is impossible, may not be easy, but its not impossible! We are OVERCOMERS through Christ who strengthens us!

  3. YES!! AND God will work in and through you in your own life too! AND not only that, but just think of the message you send other followers of Christ/ sisters in Christ who are going through the same thing in silence…there is hope ALWAYS in Christ!

    • thank you kathleen! your words are encouraging and true. it sounds like you know the road i’m walking and how i feel. i am working hard to cling to that hope. sometimes it’s easier than others. thanks for your words!

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