It’s all mush!

I’ve been trying to think of what to write here.  Writing here has been helpful, even therapeutic.  It helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings and kinda boil things down to what is going on in my head and what God is showing me.

I actually read through all my previous posts since Tim’s confession.  It was helpful to re-read them and remember this journey.  All the days seem to blur together in some ways, so it’s helpful to look back at what I’ve learned and experienced.  It’s amazing to me that I need to be reminded of what I’ve experienced!  That’s crazy to me that I can forget, or at least not remember as vividly.

The last several days have been just a blur of racing emotions, memories, feelings, questions, emotions, decisions, feelings, and…mush!  Ups, downs, sideways, over, under…you name it, I’ve been feeling it!

I WISH I could sort it out.  But today, I can’t.  And that’s frustrating.  And exhausting.

But I’m trying to not give up.  I had a good night playing with Caleb.  For now, he makes me smile.  And I love him so much!  And he needs a good mommy.  He deserves a good mommy.  So I am trying to give him as good of a mommy as I can.

And I’m sure this post makes no sense, I’m sorry.  But thanks for letting me ramble a little.

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4 thoughts on “It’s all mush!

  1. Vicky, it’s not rambling, it’s just a train of thought. I remember when this happened to me, Ben was 1 1/2 years old and I had no relationship with God. He was there holding me though, I see that now!!! I am comforted for you, knowing how strong your relationship is with God. I got through some of my toughest moments by placing my FULL focus on being the best mom for Ben that I could muster (sometimes that didn’t feel like much). The best thing about a toddler is that they have pure hearts that don’t see the struggle we are in at that moment. They just love us and love us loving them!! Keep finding comfort in your child’s loving eyes and in Gods mighty love for you!! I love you and am praying for your family’s healing.

    Blessings,
    Val

  2. aw hon – mashed potatoes are one of my favorite foods and it’s pretty much mush too. mush is ok! and it’s good for other to see mush, especially for times when everything seems so uninspired… if that makes sense.

    besides, it’s your blog and you can ramble if you want to!

  3. I understand the need to just push through a thought – especially to write it out. There are so many times that I think I’ve hit another low, but then I go back and see what I’ve already walked or been carried through and know I can keep going forward. Take joy in your Caleb. As your friend posted above – their hearts are so pure! I see this with my little girl.

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