I did it

I am a visual person.  I work in the visual arts, I think in imagery.  A few weeks ago I was telling my counselor how difficult and crippling it is for me to have these images of Tim and her in my mind.  I never saw them together, but I imagine them together.  These images just pop into my head, often without any warning.  They can be debilitating they are so painful.

As we were talking about this my counselor reminded me that Jesus says we are to pray for our enemies.  I thought she was referring to Tim, to be perfectly honest.  But she wasn’t.

She was saying I should pray for “her”.  The woman Tim had the affair with.

I felt punched in the gut and enlightened at the same time.

I felt punched in the gut because that just sounds impossible.  I don’t hate her.  I don’t blame her.  These were TIM’S decisions.  He used her, and that was wrong of him.  BUT, that doesn’t mean I want to pray for her!

But I also felt enlightened because I saw that if I could pray for her, if I could try to see her as God sees her, then that takes the power away from Satan!  He can’t trow these images into my head and use them to destroy me if I am praying for her.  If I pray for her, then I see her as human.  I see her as the broken person who needs healing that only God can give.  I see her as someone who Jesus died for, JUST like He did for me.  And that takes power away from satan!  And I want to do that!

I did that today.  I have been wrestling with this idea for weeks.  I argued with God about it.  I’ve been doing a lot of arguing with God lately

This song was playing while I was arguing with God about this:

Eastern Hymn
by David Crowder Band on the album “Church Music”
Bring us love, You who are love
Bring us peace, You who are peace
We need love, O divine love
We need your peace, Your merciful peace
How gracefully
You come along
How gracefully
You come
Glory, glory, glory
God is near to each one of us
Holy, holy, holy
God is near to each one of us
O grant us reprieve from the fighting
So we just rest our head on the shoulder of the One
In His arms we’re forever grateful for the contact
O so blessed for a moment’s rest
Weeping knowing we have been touched
Weeping knowing we have been touched
O we have been touched

I couldn’t fight it anymore.  Those lyrics really spoke to me where I was at.

I was thinking about this Easter week.  I was thinking about losing Veritas.  I was thinking about Jesus hanging on that cross and telling His Father, “Father, forgive them.  They don’t know what they’re doing.”  If Jesus, in the midst of his horrendous, unspeakable pain and torture could look on the people who were killing His human body with compassion and forgiveness, then I need to also.

A main reason for opening Veritas in the first place was to be able to share God and His message of forgiveness and hope with people who don’t know Him.  As far as I know “she” does not have a relationship with God.  And, honestly, that makes my heart sad.  She needs God, we all do.  She has made some bad choices in her life.  We all have.  God is reaching out to her.  Jesus died to have a relationship with her.  That’s what I prayed for her today.

It was hard.  I cried a lot.  It was physically demanding to pray for her.  It was hard to get those words out of my mouth.  But I did it.

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