Identity Crisis

I am really having a hard time figuring out who I am now.

I know I am first and foremost a beloved (I love that word!) daughter of God.  I know that  that is, or at least should be, the foundation of who I am and where I find my purpose and identity in.

But outside of that, I’m lost!

I am NOT a “Susie-homemaker” type person!  Never have been, never wanted to be.  I see NOTHING wrong with it at all!  But that doesn’t rev my engine.  As my friend says, “it doesn’t breathe life into me”.  I don’t get excited about having a clean house, or an organized closet, or my meals all planned out for the month.  I don’t anxiously wait for Caleb to wake up because I have all these plans for him.

Don’t get me wrong, if I had a clean house or an organized closet or some idea of what to do with Caleb, I wouldn’t be miserable.  I just don’t really get excited about that stuff.  Chores are what I get through in order to do what I want to do.

But now, I’m a stay at home mom.  And I don’t know how to live that life.  Tim came home from work and we talked about his day over dinner.  He asked me how my day was and I had nothing to talk about.  I have nothing to contribute to the conversation outside of what exciting adventures “Wubbzy” had or whether or not Caleb pooped for the day yet.

I don’t know how to live this life.

I’m used to leading people.  I’m used to creatively programming a service for church and figuring out how to best communicate a message.  I’m used to working on graphics.  I’m used to meeting with people, talking with them, praying with them, advising them.  I’m used to having conversations.  I’m used to strategic planning, creating, working with people.

Now, I’m alone a lot.  I don’t have a church.  I don’t have many friends.  EVERYTHING is different.

I don’t know how to live this life.

In some ways, I wish I had my old life back.  But I will never have that back.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  But, I really hope it will be better.  Someday.  I hope it will be better than it was, and even better than I imagined it could be.

And I know I need to deal with this.  I know that my identity CANNOT and SHOULD NOT be in what I do!  I know that in my head, but my heart is not cooperating. That is hard to process right now.  It’s hard to separate what I do from who I am.

But in the meantime, I feel very lost.  I don’t know who I am or who I should be or what I should be doing.

I don’t know how to live this life.

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8 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. I came upon your blog as a result of the UBP10 and I am glad I did. So many women face what you face as stay-at-home moms. The feeling of being alone. The feeling of having to live a new life unlike one you’ve lived before. I cannot speak from experience YET, as I am pregnant and due in September, but I do know how it is to be home alone for hours at a time wishing you had the glory days you had before marriage, before responsibility.

    I do wonder, why don’t you have a church? Does your husband not like to go? Sometimes church is a way for you to feel more connected to others. Many churches have mom’s groups where you can have a social life again. I know some friends who have moms groups and those people grow into long-lasting friends who are going through the same thing. I know most churches also have childcare for the workers. You could go back to part of your life to help out the church, to use your skills and talents into something that you’d desire.

    There are also many ministries within the church that would allow you to utilize your graphics talents for church related things, some that would allow you to talk with people and pray for them and also lead people! 🙂 I suggest checking out a church or two and just seeing what you think of it. See what ministries it has to offer and where God leads you. Even if your hubby doesn’t go, it could be a great thing for you.

    I am praying for you! I feel God led me to your blog for a reason. Keep the faith and know it’s okay if you aren’t excited for SAHM stuff. If you step out in faith, God will give you ways for you to feel fulfilled and give you your hearts desires (because they are good things!).

    Blessings,
    Kristine (kristinereed@gmail.com)

    • thank you so much for the prayers and CONGRATS on the baby coming!!!

      we don’t have a church yet because we had to close our church plant. it’s only been two weeks so far since that has closed. right now, at this time in my life, i need to go to a church where i can be anonymous. i’m not ready to jump in and serve yet. i need some time to heal before i do that. i will someday, it’s just not time yet. and so we are looking for a church home, but that takes time. it’s a weird transition time right now.

      i know it sounds counterproductive to say “i feel alone, but i don’t want to connect at a church yet” but it’s what i have to do right now. i know in my head it will pass, but it’s just hard to walk through in the meantime.

      i hope that makes sense! thank you so much for your comments and prayers! i look forward to checking out your blog!

  2. Okay…so I finally read your UBP post and I should have read it first before replying! So you started a church plant! This can be a hard time as your church might be small, but you can lead and grow within that! Use your skills in this time! God has a lot planned for you and your family! If you need more prayer support just e-mail me!

    kristinereed@gmail.com

  3. Okay… I hope I can delete the last comment!!!! I still mean what I meant with the first comment! I am praying for you it’s a rough road but God will lead you through it!

  4. Hugs, Vicky. It is HARD to be a stay-at-home mother. It felt like a complete loss of myself. In part, this was because I had nothing that was “me.” In part, it was also because becoming a stay-at-home mother coincided with a big life event for me (having a child, quitting my job) and the SAHM adjustment was compounded by adjusting to the simple truths of having a child and the change in routine related to the job.

    When Gabe was around 20 months old I joined a moms group. It was, without a doubt, the best thing I have done for myself. I know it seems a little counterintuitive that joining a moms group might help me feel like I had a little bit of my non-mom-self back, but it did. It was incredibly freeing, encouraging, and reinforcing. I didn’t know how much I had been needing it until after I joined. It has also opened several opportunities for ministry that have given me a great deal of purpose and personal satisfaction in my life. It has networked me with people with whom I can form authentic relationships – people who help me grow beyond my own preconceived ideas.

    I’m sure there are other groups you could join – book clubs, community groups, health-related groups, etc. I found for me, because being a full-time mother was taking up the largest chunk of time in my life that I benefited the most from a group related to that demographic. But regardless, I would encourage you to look into some sort of group experience. I know of one that would love to see you again. 🙂 I know that’s perhaps a little more complicated than simple, but know the invitation stands!

    I don’t know if the group thing is up your alley, but it was just what I thought about when I read your post. Whatever direction you go, I hope you’re able to find a sense of peace and contentment soon! It really stinks to feel out of sorts and like you have no clue who you are!

    • thanks heidi! i know in my head the group thing is a good idea, i just can’t get myself to do it right now. i don’t want to get to know new people. i’m not ready to let people get to know me. i don’t want to tell people about me yet. maybe that sounds crazy, but it’s where i am right now. i really don’t think this will last forever, or even very long, but it’s where i am right now.

      someday. i will get there someday. thanks so much for the encouragement! it’s good to hear that i’m not crazy! you rock!

  5. Pingback: Who do I sound like? « this and that and then some

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