I am no expert in how to walk through restoring a marriage after an affair. I wish I didn’t have to even figure it out. But I do. I am figuring this out one day at a time. I figure it out by doing a lot of praying, by going to counseling every week, by talking to Tim a lot, by talking to other people, by reading blogs of women who have walked this road before, and lots more praying.
But I REALLY don’t know how to walk those around me through this. I feel this responsibility to help those around me deal with this, but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know what to say or what to do or how to explain what’s going on.
My getting through this one day at a time is a lot of work. The battle of true thoughts versus wrong thoughts, the spiritual battles in my head are exhausting. Every day, every hour takes work. I don’t know if I have it in me to do that for other people.
I’m learning about myself that I don’t think I deserve to be happy. Not really. Especially now, in this situation. I guess I think that I should be miserable more. I have to hurt more or else I’m rushing this. If I’m not more angry or wanting to hurt Tim more then I’m going too fast. That’s at least how I feel others expectations are and how others are expecting me to react. And that I am doing something wrong if I am actually happy for moments. If I see something in Tim and the way he’s changing and am happy that we could maybe actually have a good marriage in the days to come. If we have a good time as a family, really enjoying being together and not worrying or thinking about church and the heavy responsibilities we had, I feel guilty for being happy in those moments.
I keep having this verse come up in my head:
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
I am trying to change my thoughts. I am trying to get a more accurate view of how God sees me and what His love for me means. I am trying to seek God and follow what pleases HIM, and not get bogged down by what will win the “approval of man”. That sure is hard sometimes though!