It’s a lot to carry

I am no expert in how to walk through restoring a marriage after an affair.  I wish I didn’t have to even figure it out.  But I do.  I am figuring this out one day at a time.  I figure it out by doing a lot of praying, by going to counseling every week, by talking to Tim a lot, by talking to other people, by reading blogs of women who have walked this road before, and lots more praying.

But I REALLY don’t know how to walk those around me through this.  I feel this responsibility to help those around me deal with this, but I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know what to say or what to do or how to explain what’s going on.

My getting through this one day at a time is a lot of work.  The battle of true thoughts versus wrong thoughts, the spiritual battles in my head are exhausting.  Every day, every hour takes work.  I don’t know if I have it in me to do that for other people.

I’m learning about myself that I don’t think I deserve to be happy.  Not really.  Especially now, in this situation.  I guess I think that I should be miserable more.  I have to hurt more or else I’m rushing this.  If I’m not more angry or wanting to hurt Tim more then I’m going too fast.  That’s at least how I feel others expectations are and how others are expecting me to react.  And that I am doing something wrong if I am actually happy for moments.  If I see something in Tim and the way he’s changing and am happy that we could maybe actually have a good marriage in the days to come.  If we have a good time as a family, really enjoying being together and not worrying or thinking about church and the heavy responsibilities we had, I feel guilty for being happy in those moments.

I keep having this verse come up in my head:

Galatians 1:10

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I am trying to change my thoughts.  I am trying to get a more accurate view of how God sees me and what His love for me means.  I am trying to seek God and follow what pleases HIM, and not get bogged down by what will win the “approval of man”.  That sure is hard sometimes though!


One thought on “It’s a lot to carry

  1. YES to so sp much of this. Substitute in for the affair part infertility/miscarriage/pregnancy and I’ve been pondering this exact question lately. This tendency to punish myself and others – or to codependently care for myself and others… it’s just not healthy! Yet it is so hard to address underlying beliefs we never intended to hold the first place.

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