Feel like two people in one body!

I feel like two people trapped in one body these days!

I experience pain and joy AT. THE. SAME. TIME.  Sometimes the intensity of each is even the same!  It’s very confusing!  Well, not confusing, because I know where each is coming from, but still hard to navigate.

I still deal with a lot of pain as I heal and process Tim’s affair and having to close Veritas Church.  Different things trigger the pain.  Things you would NEVER expect!  The pain just pops up without invitation or warning!  Really, can’t this just make sense and follow some kind of pattern so I can KNOW when it’s coming and brace myself??  That is not how it happens!

But the joy and happiness is almost as surprising and intense.  The changes I’m seeing in Tim, in me, in our relationship are unbelievable.  Tim is a different person.  And I’m having to get used to that.  I have to get to know someone new.  But this is a good person to get to know!  And the way we are communicating and relating and processing all of this is good.  It’s SO good sometimes.  I see hope for a life better than I ever had or imagined before.

But BOTH of those “people” reside in me at the same time.  And even the times of great joy are reminders of why things are so different.  This new life is growing out of the destruction and rubble of painful sin.

I guess it just comes with the territory.  I’ve been reading a blog of a woman who is also navigating restoration after an affair right now.  (A friend of mine pointed me to her blog as her husband confessed to her just a few weeks after Tim did to me)  She recently posted “in one of my million books says that the “roller coaster” emotions are a sign that the hard work is actually being done and that the process is being completed.”

So, WOO HOO!!!  This roller coaster of emotions doesn’t mean I’m crazy!!  It just means I’m getting the work done!

So, I guess I will continue to feel schizophrenic, for a while anyway.  🙂


3 thoughts on “Feel like two people in one body!

  1. Vicky,
    What you wrote about emotions coming out of nowhere has a psychological explanation. It’s based in classical conditioning. As you experience the positive ones and the negative ones, there are cues all around you in the environment–sights, sounds, touches, tastes, smells–that your brain associates with the emotions. When you experience those cues again, the association with the emotion gets pulled up again in your brain, and there comes the feeling. It’s very similar to what happens with addicts and cue-induced cravings. They never know what in the environment is going to set off a craving for their drug of choice.
    You aren’t schizophrenic. You’re perfectly normal. Your brain just learns really well.

  2. Pingback: Facing the feelings « this and that and then some

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