Anyway, I was having a rough day and was just laying it all out there with God. I was frustrated (maybe angry actually), sad, etc. and I let Him know it! The weather was actually nice and so I went for a walk to pray and clear my head.
I kept asking God “why?” Why did this happen? Why did God let this happen? Why would Tim do this to me? Why did it take THIS for us to get our marriage going in the right direction? How could Tim do this? Why do I have to make these decisions in my life? WHY?
I felt like I heard God say, “My sweet daughter, there is no answer I could give you that would fulfill you. There is nothing I could say that would be sufficient for you. Even if I did tell you, you wouldn’t be able to understand it all. Can you be ok with that?”
Trust has been a BIG thing I’ve been working on with God. I am learning a lot and really being stretched. I am reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. It is AMAZING! There is SO much for me to chew on! I think I will have to read that book MANY times back to back to back. I look forward to writing about more from that book as I process it.
But, anyway, back to that discussion. It kinda boiled down to: am I going to trust God? Am I going to trust Him when I don’t understand? Am I going to trust HIM to know why, even when I don’t have that answer?
I also recently read The Furious Longing of God (also by Brennan Manning). I am having to work through learning to REALLY ACCEPT God’s love, and not just in my head. There is a link between accepting God’s love and trusting Him no matter what. There is a quote in Ruthless Trust that says (my paraphrase because I don’t have the book next to me) I will trust God to the extent that I know and believe that God loves me.
That hit me HARD.
If I believe in my heart what I know in my head about God’s love for me, then of course I will trust Him! I will trust Him when things don’t make sense. I will trust Him when I don’t have answers. I will trust Him when things are good and not “wait for the other shoe to drop”. I will trust Him no matter what.
There is a big IF there.
Things are starting to drip from my head to my heart.
I am really just starting to process all this. I have moments of trusting God more sprinkled in with long stretches of NOT. But I’m working on it.
I still want to ask God why. I still want answers that I will probably never have. I still get bogged down with the “what-ifs”.
But we’re working on it.