I’m trying hard to balance thinking enough, but not thinking too much. I am trying to balance living in the moment, while also being wise and not pretending that the past hasn’t happened. Balancing the joy with the pain and being realistic about both. Balance has been an issue for me for a while.
We are just under one week away from renewing our vows. I am a mix of excitement, nervousness, fear, anticipation, etc. Just depends what moment you catch me in!
I almost feel a little like I did before we got married 11 years ago. Except now I have a lot more baggage coming with me. But I also think I am getting a better guy this time around.
My counselor gave me some good advice that I keep going to over and over. I was telling her it is hard because I have 10 years of history that is not good. Looking back does not give me much hope for the future. And if I look to the future I get stuck in the “what-ifs”. My counselor was telling me I need to live in the moment more. I shouldn’t forget the past at all, but I can’t live there. If I am seeing consistent, deep, and Godly changes in Tim now, then live in that now.
That’s been my mantra a lot lately. God tells us not to worry about tomorrow. He already has that in His hand. And we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. So if I spend my time worrying about that then I am robbing myself of what God has for me today. And it’s the same if I dwell on the past only. If I believe God is big enough and powerful enough to change me, to change Tim, to do what He is able to do, then I can’t let the past rule me.
And so I am working hard to let myself be happy when those times arise. I am not good at letting myself be happy right now. I feel like if I say that I am doing better, then I forfeit my right to say another day that I am not doing well. And I feel like if I admit that things are going better then I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I couldn’t possibly have happiness.
But I’m working on it. I’m getting to know God better. I’m opening up to Him and He is teaching me. I’m trying to accept Him and His love. It’s a process. I have a feeling I will always be learning this. Everyday. For the rest of my life. But that’s ok.