I was wrong.
Today is a bad day. This rehab thing seemed to take a turn for the worse today.
We moved our desk and “office” stuff (files, etc) to the basement before Caleb was born so he could have a bedroom (aren’t we nice?!?! ;). That is bad for me. I am not an organized person. And so, with having all of that downstairs, I usually take papers that need to be filed, etc. and just throw them down there on the desk. That mound gets WILDLY out of control! Take whatever image you have in your head and multiply it by three and you may be accurate! So, I got tired of it today as I was looking for an important piece of paper and decided to clean it up.
I have been dreading this task because of the mess, but also because I knew there was a lot of Veritas stuff buried in the pile. I knew at some point I would have to dig that stuff up, look at it, and find a place for it. I can’t part with it. None of it.
There was a lot of paperwork in there from something that was done to us that is so painful, and requires some intense, supernatural forgiveness on my part. And I have not been able to do that completely yet. Not even close. There just hasn’t been time to deal with all of that with only a couple weeks between that and Tim’s confession. So, I had to look at all of that again. Those feelings of pain and anger bubbled up in a fierce way.
There were a whole pile of contact cards from people’s first visits to Veritas. A survey we did to get a pulse of what would best serve the people of Veritas, their friends and family and our community. There were the commitments that people made for the fast we did at the beginning of 2010. There fast that led to Tim’s confession of an affair.
The memories are just so painful. And I am so angry today.
I don’t want to give grace today. I don’t want to give grace to Tim for what he’s done. I am angry at him for hurting me so intensely. I am angry that his stupid choices led to closing a church. I am angry that this is my life now. I’m angry that I go to food when I am upset and stressed so I have gained even more weight through this whole thing.
I am hurting. I know I need to forgive, but trying to think of offering that forgiveness hurts so bad. What has been done, the events that have transpired, they just hurt so bad, so deep.
Have I lost all that ground I have worked SO hard to gain? Is all that work lost? Have I lost all that progress?
1 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
These verses came to my mind. I know this is true. I know this is God’s Word. But it’s stuck in my head today, I’m not feeling it in my heart.
I feel like I am in a dark valley again. I don’t want to be here. I hope I will come out of it soon. I know I’ve been here before, and I haven’t stayed here forever. It just feels like it’s forever. But feelings are not always reliable.
They sure are powerful though!