This thought hit me the other day.
I know that Tim is forgiven. I know that God has forgiven Tim. I know that Jesus died to pay the price for ALL our sins, “even” Tim’s affair.
I KNOW this.
But am I HAPPY for him? Am I HAPPY that he is forgiven? Do I rejoice that he is forgiven and covered in God’s grace and doesn’t have to be defined by this choice?
I think part of me is not – not all of my heart, but a little part of it. I’m ashamed to say it, but I think some of me is not happy for his forgiveness. It’s not that I don’t want him to be forgiven, but I’m not entirely HAPPY about it.
It’s not that I want God to smite him or turn His back on him!! It’s not that I don’t think that I have any sin – I have PLENTY! I don’t see myself as perfect or not in need of grace or forgiveness! It’s complicated. My feelings these days are complicated.
Does that make sense?
I think it might be some of that “older brother syndrome” from the parable of the prodigal son. “I didn’t do something THAT horrible, so why does he get the party?”
For example, are you HAPPY that Jeffrey Dahmer is forgiven and in heaven? Are you HAPPY that if Hitler asked God for forgiveness it would be granted as freely to him as you?
I’m struggling with this. But it’s something God is refining in me. UGH!
I know, I’m a horrible person! I’m working on it. I am.
Anyone else want to confess so I don’t feel so alone?