I think if I could be more thankful….

…things would be a little better.

I’ve been in a horrible funk for the last almost two weeks now.  Funk is an understatement.  It’s been a dark hole pit of despair much of the time (anyone get the “Princess Bride” reference????  great movie!!  but i digress…).

Yesterday I Googled “christian affair recovery”.  I wanted to find others who have or are going through this.  I really wanted to “talk” to someone who had been through this.  I am reading blogs of other women who have been in this spot, and they are GREAT, but I really wanted a more “live” interaction.  So I found a message board for women who are dealing with their husband’s sexual addiction (porn, affairs, etc).

This may sound bad, and I don’t mean it to be bad, but as I was reading these other posts I realized it actually could have been worse.  Some of these stories just break my heart.  A lot of the men are not broken, they aren’t getting help, or they got help but didn’t follow through or just were never really broken so they keep going back to it.

I kinda hate to say this, but I saw that I can be thankful amidst this horrible pain.

I’m thankful that God DID break Tim.  He confessed, I didn’t have to catch him.  While that was one of the worst days of my entire life, I didn’t catch him and have to confront him.  God brought him to his knees, not me.

I’m thankful that Tim has taken steps to assemble this Restoration Team who keeps him accountable and is walking with him through this process to keep the changes going and taking root to be life-long changes.  I know that Tim will have to make good choices every minute of every day and he is not immune from going back to that lifestyle, but right now he is taking steps to keep that from happening.

I’m thankful that the affair didn’t go on longer than it did and that they didn’t form a deeper relationship.

I’m thankful that Tim wants to work on our marriage and doesn’t want to lose me.  He wants our family to work.

I’m thankful that he is not doing all this work in order to get back into ministry.  We don’t know if that will ever happen, but that is not his motivation or even a goal.

I’m thankful that “she” isn’t in our state and I don’t know her.  She wasn’t a good friend or someone I have to run into all the time.

I’m thankful that Caleb is young enough to probably not remember this.  Tim will have to talk to him one day, but I don’t think he will remember this.  Hopefully our marriage will be so good by the time Tim talks to him that he won’t even be able to believe that this could have happened.

I’m thankful that God has given me strength to keep going – although I have doubted that before!  He hasn’t let me give up and leave.  Even when it feels like He is nowhere in sight, I know in my head that He is here.

I’m thankful for the books I’m reading and what God is showing me about His character and how I am to be transformed.

Sure, there is a lot I complain about, a lot I wish wasn’t in my life, a lot I wish hadn’t happened.  But, no matter how incredibly hard I try, I can’t change what has happened.  I can’t pretend it away.  I can’t do anything about what has been done – which is hard to swallow.  I can only figure out how to deal with it.  And I do need to deal with it.  I’m not going to just push all the sad stuff out of my mind like it didn’t happen, because that isn’t healthy either!

But if I try to take my stronger moments to be thankful that things aren’t worse than they are, that will help.  A lot!

James 1:2-8

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.  If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.  But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.  Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.  Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

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2 thoughts on “I think if I could be more thankful….

  1. You’re right – it could be worse. So could my situation. I try not to let myself use that to invalidate my emotions – it’s a fine line for me. On one hand, I can get in an emotional funk and get stuck. On the other hand, I can refuse to let myself feel the full weight of my grief and loss by thinking of how much worse it could have been. I find it’s a process I have to take moment by moment – sometimes I have to be in the pit and that’s okay with me. Sometimes I need to come up for air. Based on prior unrelated experiences I’m guessing I’ll come up for air more and more often as time and healing progress. I hope the same is true for you!

    • everything you say is so true! i don’t want to let myself not deal with the pain…because it will come up and need to be dealt with one day! and i would rather not drag that out longer than it has to. but i need to remind myself “to come up for air” too. i tend to forget that part. it is a very difficult and delicate balance. i’m with you my friend!

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