One reason why I stayed

I know it's an old picture, but I just LOVE the joy on his face! I have to take some more recent pictures of him!

We were getting gas the other day and I was sitting in the car with Caleb.  We were facing the little parking area of the gas station and I saw something that just broke my heart.

A beautiful little girl and her dad (it appeared) waiting in the parking lot.  She looked like she was maybe 10 years old (I’m so bad at guessing ages!).  Then a woman (I’m assuming the mom) drove up and parked beside them.  The dad pulled the little girl’s backpack out of the car and put it in the trunk of the mom’s car.  What it looked like was a mom and dad meeting up to exchange their daughter at the end of the weekend visit.  I know I am assuming things, but that’s what it looked like.  The girl gave her dad a hug good-bye and got in the car.  And they all drove off.

It broke my heart.  I remember being that little girl changing cars at the end of a weekend visit.  I remember not being able to spend my days and nights with both parents at the same time.  I remember the quick weekends with my dad.

Seeing that on Father’s Day was hard too.  I teared up pretty good.  I just prayed for that sweet little girl and her parents.  That’s all I could do.

But that is partly why I am working so hard on this marriage.  I don’t want Caleb to have to grow up with his parents divorced.  Seeing his dad only every other weekend and some holidays.  I don’t want him to have to deal with that, to have to work through that.  I just so don’t want to do that to him.

Now, could he deal with it?  Sure.  Could he go on to lead a normal life?  Of course.

But I don’t want him to have to deal with that.

If Tim is willing to work on himself, on us, and on this family, and if he is going to allow God to continue to transform him, then we can do this.  If he and I both submit to God and allow Him to break us and change us and mold us, then we can keep at this.

And we can work to give that precious little Caleb a home with two loving parents led by an incredible, amazing and powerful God.

Caleb is partly why I stayed.  I just don’t want to do that to him.  I don’t want Caleb to have to be handed off on a Sunday night. I want him to be one of few kids with both parents at home raising him for as long as God allows me to stay on this planet.

I don’t want to be a couple who “stayed together for the kids” either.  But we are working on this.  And God is healing and changing us.

I never want Caleb to have a “job” in our relationship though.  His “job” is not to keep us together!  I never want to think that or allow him to feel that.  Our relationship is separate from him.  He will never hold that “job” in my eyes.  But my job is to be his mom and do what is best for him.  And I think what is best is working hard to keep this family in tact and give him the best life I can.  One that acknowledges and honors God as Lord of our lives and our home and strives to learn more about God and how we can become more like Him.

So, my sweet Caleb, that is what I pray for you.  And Mommy and Daddy are going to do our best to make that happen.  You just keep being you and let us worry about the big stuff!  But always, always know you are loved more than words could ever express and you are safe at home!


3 thoughts on “One reason why I stayed

  1. That is a really sweet post. The perspective you shared resonates with me. When Gabe was born the entire world looked different to me because I was looking at it through my understanding of what his perspective must be. It is a huge responsibility (and privilege) to get to do that. It really changes everything.

  2. God sees your heart and the heart of your husband. He is going to honor your commitment to stay in the marriage. He will make your love fresh and alive again. You have a big testimony to share with others and walk them through healing in the future. Your son is blessed to have a mother who didn’t quit. Praying for ou!

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