Coasting?

Do you think you can ever “coast” in marriage?

Maybe are there times, SHORT periods of time, when you can coast a little bit? Marriage is hard work, everyone knows that.  And sometimes life gets very busy and there just literally isn’t the time to put into it that you normally would.  Work schedules get crazy, one person is out of town for a few days or something.  Maybe those are times when things can coast just a bit.  But only for a short time or else those periods become longer, and longer, and then permanent.

Or maybe you can’t coast even then.  Maybe it’s of utmost importance to find ways to work at it even when it’s hard to squeeze it in.

I don’t know if there are times when a marriage can really ever coast.

Right now, we can’t do that for ANY amount of time.  It is too damaging to our progress and healing.

Last week we went “up north” for a few days for the holiday weekend.  We were there for two days alone with Caleb before the rest of the family came up.  The time there was nice.  Caleb got to play in the lake, on the beach, go on boat rides, fish, etc.

But between Tim and I things were miserable.

The week before we left Tim worked 70 hours in 7 days.  With no notice.  We didn’t know from day to day how long he’d be working.  Sometimes we didn’t know when he’d be done working until he was walking out the door to come home.  We got to go up north early because Tim had already put in his week’s allotted hours by Tuesday!  It was awful.  I was alone with Caleb a lot, Tim was exhausted, I was exhausted, we were frustrated…..just so much badness.  And that meant we couldn’t talk, at all.

You see, these days, we have to stay connected.  When we don’t make the time and put in the effort to talk, pray and connect, it gets ugly.  My insecurities grow to ginormo size and I stop trusting Tim altogether.  I get depressed.  I dwell on things that can’t be changed.  I forget any progress that has been made.  I lose touch with God and disconnect from His power.  It’s a slippery slope.  A really slippery slope.  And it’s a dark slope.  And a slimy slope.

We can’t afford to disconnect from each other or from God these days.  Not one. little. bit.

We are now working to connect again.  Amidst busy, unknown schedules.  And hurt feelings.  And tired brains and bodies.

But we’re doing it.  Slowly we will get back there.  But coasting is not allowed for us these days.

Do you think coasting is ever ok?  I really am wondering.

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5 thoughts on “Coasting?

  1. Hi Vicky!

    I haven’t read enough of your blogs to know the recent circumstances of yours and Tim’s relationship so I ‘m only commenting on what you’ve said here. There are circumstances where what you’ve described might seem appropriate, after some breach of trust perhaps…but for me personally I see it as being a little on the needy/codependent side which I refuse to do in any relationship. I want my time that I spend with my partner to be among other things restful and comfortable, not any type of task or ritual that I must perform.

    If I can’t be exactly who I am with someone then I am actually very alone..

    “Do you think coasting is ever ok? ”

    Actually,I think that it’s mandatory!

  2. Vicky, we are fortunate to be able to coast here and there, which sometimes gives us things to talk about when we get back together. And when we come back together we usually do so with renewed feelings of closeness.

    I think it’s fair that you are not coasting right now, and may not be for awhile. But I’d like to give you hope that there will be a time when you can relax again, when that broken trust is healed to the point that you can easily go with the flow of going apart so you can joyfully come back together.

    Love you, pulling for you and your marriage.

    Krista

  3. i love everyone’s comments! i love getting input from you guys!

    i don’t think i was clear in my writing – i’m no author! 🙂

    what i meant was WORKING on the marriage, not BEING together all the time. i’m ok with being apart, but we have to be very intentional in our time together. we have to work at it when we are together.

    i hope that makes sense and is a little clearer. i appreciate the input from everyone!

  4. I think coasting is okay if that means that you are goofing off with your spouse. You know, doing nothing productive together… That sums up most of my time with FK 😉

    But even the “goofing off” is “work”, in my opinion. Chilling out, even if it’s not talking about the gnitty gritty stuff, is very healing. But you are right – it has to be intentional chilling out – like, “hey, let’s do this together!”

    Ok, now I HAVE to go to bed or I’m going to hit the snooze button until next Tuesday. Love you!

  5. emily, i think you’re right. i think when time together is intentional, it’s still working on and pouring into the relationship. it doesn’t always have to be hard conversations and tears! playing together is also so important.

    i think coasting is when we are in neutral. not really doing anything to connect – deep or fun. it’s when we are “ships passing in the night” and not doing anything to stay in touch. not praying together. not finding out how the other one REALLY is doing. not even playing together.

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