I don’t want to want it

How many churches have you been a part of where you get to dress up as a frog, elephant, gorilla or Noah and dance around a park?? I LOVED it! (I was the elephant!)

I think I’m just having a day when I miss Veritas.  A lot!

It’s quiet today.  Caleb is with Grammie.  Tim is at work.  Some of my plans for the day got canceled, so I am home.  In the quiet (well, I have my music on).  With the TV off.  And it’s wonderful!  But it also gets me thinking.  Which is ok.  I need to do that.  I just have to take control of my thoughts and ask God to filter them so I stay in a good place.

But I’m sad.  I miss my church.  I miss working in ministry.  I miss so much.  It’s been 5 months since my world was turned upside down.  And there are things to miss.

When I would talk about my dreams before it was usually always for ministry.  Where we saw God leading the church.  Dreaming about seeing people we cared for at church, connecting with God, serving Him.  People who, today, didn’t want anything to do with God.  Helping to connect people to their loving, Heavenly Daddy who wants so badly to be with them.  I dreamed about the life change God would do in people around me and people I didn’t know.  I dreamed about getting to speak and share what God had done with a rag-tag group of people and encourage them with what God had done.  I dreamed of what creative ways we could communicate the message to people that would really drive it home and help people hear and see God in different ways.

But I don’t want to dream about ministry right now.  I don’t want those thoughts to creep into my head.  Because I don’t know if I will ever be doing that again.  I don’t know if God will put me back into that place.  Right now we can’t even find a church to attend so I can’t even look forward to volunteering somewhere.

I don’t want to dream about what could be in that area because I just don’t know if I will get to do that again.  And I don’t want to get my hopes up.  I don’t want to look forward to something like that because it hurts so much when it falls through.

I read this post yesterday and it is just wrecking me.  I know I’m not the one who had the affair, but I feel the shame and failure.  I really feel the failure of closing Veritas.  It’s just so hard for me to believe that God could give me an opportunity to work in ministry again.

But I can’t shake this feeling of wanting to do that again.  Dare I say being called to do that in some way?  No, I don’t dare!

And I have this guilt for even wanting to work in ministry again in some way.  Like I shouldn’t want that.  That everyday, every moment of life is ministry and we can, and should, be serving God in everything we do.  And I should be content with that.  And I don’t disagree or doubt that at all!  I totally agree with that.

But if someone really wanted to be a pilot, went to school to be a pilot, worked hard to learn and gain all the experience they could to be a good pilot, but then they were laid off and couldn’t be a pilot anymore, wouldn’t they still long to be a pilot?  Would they be looked down on for wanting to be a pilot again?  Should they feel any guilt for wanting to be a pilot again?

I’m not trying to say that working in ministry in some way simply boils down to a degree and on the job experience.  There is more to it than that.  But I think any career choice has a heart component in it too.

For a while I’ve been content not looking forward to doing ministry again.  I was content to work on things at home and know that HOME is my full time ministry right now.  I was content not knowing what God’s plans were for me in that area.

Now, I’m starting to get restless.  And I don’t want to.  I don’t want to think about what could be in this area.  I want to be content to wait.  I don’t want to want this again.

I just miss it so much.  And I miss Veritas so much.  I miss the people.  The community.  The vision.  The hearts.  The possibilities.  It’s hard to let all that go and not want more.

Maybe I’m finally starting to grieve that loss.  There was just SO much going on at that time that I really haven’t had the time to deal with that.  Maybe I’m starting to deal with it now.

I’ve been reading a couple books that look at David’s life in the Bible.  He keeps coming to mind as I am writing this, but I can’t piece it all together right now.  I need to process more and will hopefully have some insight to share!  🙂


3 thoughts on “I don’t want to want it

  1. Vicky,
    My situation has some similarity to yours. I quit my job as a family physician (where I had worked for 10 years) due to chronic headaches and frequent migraines four years ago. I’ve let my license and certification lapse. Most of the time I’m pretty content with being a stay-at-home mom. But, if I have a good week, I start to really miss my work.

    One thing that I’ve had to learn is that my work was not a more “valuable” ministry than my time at home with my family. I used to say that, but I don’t think I really believed it. I’ve had to seriously consider that God may be finished with me in medicine. Ouch! I’d always wanted to be a doctor. Does God want me to minister in other ways – ways that work around chronic pain? I have no idea.

    I appreciate the honesty of your blog. I’m praying for you, even though I don’t know you personally. Whether God takes you back into full-time ministry or not, He does love you and will use you for His kingdom (which I’m sure you know).


    • thank you so much for for your prayers and your insight! it helps to hear from others who have walked this road since i am new to all this! 🙂

      you give me a lot of good things to think and pray about. thank you for taking the time to comment!

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