I have a dilemma

I got a facebook message from a friend the other day.  She is getting a reunion together of our girls sunday school class from high school.  I haven’t seen most of these girls for….well, we’ll just say since high school, ok?!?!

Thanks to the wonderfulness of Facebook, we have found each other and some of us are in the area.

At first, I thought this was an AWESOME idea!  We were all in sunday school and youth group together for all four years of high school, some even since middle school. I lost touch will all but two of them after we graduated.  I thought it would be so fun to all get together and see what has been going on and meet all these kids (two of them have FIVE kids each!).  It sounded really exciting to me!

But then I got to thinking.  I don’t know if I want to go now.

You see, I’m embarrassed.  Sure, I’m embarrassed about how much weight I’ve gained and how much I’ve aged since high school….blah, blah, blah.

But I’m also ashamed of my life right now.

I’m embarrassed that my husband cheated on me.

I’m embarrassed that our church closed.

I’m embarrassed that we lost our jobs.

I’m embarrassed that I’m not doing anything with my life right now.

I don’t really want to sit and talk about my life right now with people I haven’t seen since high school.  That is why I didn’t go to my high school reunion a couple weeks ago.

So, now I don’t know what to do.

And I don’t think that feelings of shame are from God.  I don’t think I should be feeling this way.

I’m just now sure where to start in sorting these feelings out.  But I have to.

I don’t want to lose out on all kinds of opportunities in life because of satan trying to take me down.  I don’t want to lose.

I gotta figure something out.  I just gotta!

And I have to figure out what to do about this little reunion shindig.


5 thoughts on “I have a dilemma

  1. You clearly already acknowledge that these feelings aren’t right. You’ve gotta fight ’em. I sure know what you’re talking about. I think it could be really good for you to see these people and make light of your situation. Instead of, “Tim had an affair…” tell them that your marriage has never been stronger. Instead of, “Our church closed…” tell them that you’re refocusing on your family right now, but you still have a burning passion for G-d and pastoral actions.

    If you dwell on the negative, the poor positives get hidden way too easily. Try to make a list of things you’d talk about and/or what would come up and challenge yourself to list two or three POSITIVE things about each topic. Maybe don’t go, but this could still be a good exercise.

  2. what are the positives in your life right now? it sounds like you are letting recent circumstances define you. I am sure I would be stuck doing the same.

    But on the positive side, you are starting your new business. You have a lovely little boy who is the light of your eyes. You have found your voice blogging. You’ve had a rough patch lately, but God has grown you so much through it.

    I also find myself being a hermit in the days when I don’t like where I am spiritually. So I get what you are saying. But I think the enemy likes when we hide ourselves, because darkness and subterfuge are his best weapons. When all the cards are out there in the open, exposed to the light of day, he can’t do his work.

    In the end, I always find that transparency on my part gives others the courage to speak up about their own struggles, and together we then find grounds on which to relate to each other and pray for each other. This builds sisterhood, community, and christian support. You might find yourself amazed at the challenges others are facing, as well.

    I totally understand your reservations about this reunion. But I will be praying that you keep looking to God for TRUTH, and that he shines his radiance and peace on you.

    Love to you.

  3. Pingback: Community « this and that and then some

  4. i totally understand your uncertainties regarding the renunion, but sister, you’re “not doing anything with your life right now”?

    you crazy, girl?!

    sister, you are doing AMAZING things with your life right now.

    don’t you DARE believe that lie.

    You are doing AMAZING things with your life right now. you are tackling things many people will never attempt.

    be full.
    you are amazing.
    may the power of grace and peace be with you, and in that may you feel full amidst trial and pain.

    much love-

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