Babies, Babies, Babies!

I have been really struggling with jealousy lately.  I’m ashamed to admit it, but it’s the ugly truth.

It seems that almost “everyone” around me is having a baby.  I know that isn’t true, it’s how I feel.  It seems that every time I get on facebook someone else is announcing their pregnancy or updating about where they are in their pregnancy.

One of the first (not THE first, but in those first days) thoughts I had after Tim confessed his affair to me was that I’ll never be able to have another child.  And I wanted one more child.

We had been putting it off while we were starting the church and wanted to get a steady income and our feet under us with that before we added a newborn to the mix.  It was always one thing after another putting it off little by little.

Now, it’s not time either.  I want to make sure we are in a healthy place before we talk about adding a baby to our lives.  And, currently, we have no jobs, so that’s not too smart either.

Regardless, I am feeling this loss.  I am feeling time slipping away.  I am wondering if Caleb will be an only child.

Caleb is SUCH a blessing.  He is a treasure and more than we deserve even if we don’t have any more children.  I love him so much and never want to sound like “he’s not enough”.

But I want him to have a brother or sister (ok, I really want him to have a sister!).

And I’m not getting any younger!  And I’m type 1 diabetic, so I have some extra issues to deal with.

I’m just feeling a twinge of jealousy when people around me get pregnant.  It’s not that I’m not happy for THEM!  I just feel sadness for me.  Selfish, I know.  I’m just being honest.

It’s one more thing that was “taken” from me when Tim decided to have an affair.  And that makes me angry.  And I’m trying so hard to not let myself dwell in anger and bitterness.  But that is such a battle sometimes.  When I lean into God, when I trust Him and obey Him, He gives me strength to get out of that pit, but that is an exhausting struggle sometimes.

I know, at least as far as I know now, that my time is not over.  As far as I know I am not barren.  But I don’t know if or when we may be able to have a child.

I want to do this right.  I don’t want to do this before we are healthy.  I want to give that child as good of a situation as possible to be born into.

But I have moments when I yearn for another baby.  Times when I see Caleb growing up and think to myself, “he’d be such a great older brother!”.  Thinking about being pregnant again and the miracle that that is.  Wanting to hold a little baby again and watch all those firsts.

But I don’t want to jump the gun.  We still have so much to work out.  At least it feels like a lot sometimes.

It’s just hard.  There is so much loss around me through this whole thing.  I don’t want to lose this too.

I feel like I need to put a caveat on this.  I have some dear friends who have struggled with infertility for some time.  They have allowed me in and along with them in their journey so I know a little about how they have felt.  I in no way want to offend anyone who has struggled with infertility.  I know my situation is different.  I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to minimize what they have gone through or say that I am in the same boat.  I just love you ladies and your husbands so much and never want to offend you and your experience!

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5 thoughts on “Babies, Babies, Babies!

  1. All of those thoughts seem to me like fair ones to have. Very few issues in life are completely black and white. No matter what happens, you will probably face questions of “did we make the right decisions?” for the rest of your life. But everybody does.

    While I think you have an excellent point of needing to work further through your current journey, I’d like to share one thought that I have found on my own journey: Babies don’t come when you are ready, they come when they are ready.

    What I mean by that is, there may be a better time, but there is never a good time to have a baby. But somehow the grace of God makes space for little ones to enter our lives. If I had waited until I was ready before starting my parenting journey, I’d still be working on getting everything right. I think we might be there in another year.

    But I have an eight year old, and a five year old, and a 1.5 year old, who have blessed my life by their very existence. Because of them I am in a different place than I would have been without them. Without them, I may never have been ready for them.

    Again, I totally understand that 2010 may not be your year. I think you are doing this already, but I encourage you to look to the Lord for guidance on that, and not to the wisdom of the world (or even of church friends). He knows the desires of your heart, because he put them there.

    Thanks again for being so transparent. It’s such a neat thing for me to know exactly how to pray for you.

  2. Oh Vicky, I have not walked this journey, but know that I am in prayer for you and your husband and your family. I have no words. Just wanted to pop in and encourage you!

  3. Vicky,
    Remember that God loans His children to us to raise. He knows what is best in the grand parenting scheme. Will is a 19-year-old “only child” and everyone has always said that he is one of the most loving compassionate kids they know. His 21-year-old cousin was killed in a car accident Sunday night, and Will left our vacation to fly to TN to be there for his other cousin during the visitation and funeral. Their hearts are connected like brothers’ hearts. Will’s being an only child made him eager to be at Great Beginnings from age 2.5, getting to know friends there, and he has had a wide and deep circle of loving friends ever since.
    Just keep trusting in God.
    Love,
    Edie

  4. I am in the same boat when it comes to your marital situation. Infidelity happened and we are moving forward but it has killed some dreams. Because it came as such a huge surprise and all along I believed things were fine I’m not sure I will ever feel one hundred percent, completely, totally safe again. I know he loves me. I know he is where he wants to me. But then Satan reminds me that I thought those same things when the affair was happening. And because of that there are so things I don’t think I will ever do again. I don’t think I will ever again tell me kids that “Mommy and Daddy” will never get divorced, because I said those words once and for 11 months that exactly what we all thought was going to happen. My oldest reminded me often of my promise. A promise I had no way of keeping.
    We had a dream of adopting. When we were pregnant with our last we had names for a girl and a boy. We had a beautiful wonderful mischievous little boy and we love him so. But that girl name took root in my heart and no longer was just a name but a dream for the child we had talked about some day adopting. And now I can’t because I refuse to see any more children, possibly, go through the horrid pain that I watched my kids in for so many months. I just couldn’t add another not feeling safe and like I said I don’t think I ever will. And so I watch this women with their new born’s and dream of my sweet girl by name and know she will never be and it hurts. Really hurts.

    I know your disclaimer at the end was important for you but I just wanted to validate your feelings right now and say you have the right to feel that way. I am proud of you for thinking responsibly and waiting until you know the time is right for y’all.

    Now I am going to put my disclaimer, lol. My husband and I are very much in love and moving forward and healing a little more everyday but Satan sure does like to creep up and fill me with doubts.

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