It seems that almost “everyone” around me is having a baby. I know that isn’t true, it’s how I feel. It seems that every time I get on facebook someone else is announcing their pregnancy or updating about where they are in their pregnancy.
One of the first (not THE first, but in those first days) thoughts I had after Tim confessed his affair to me was that I’ll never be able to have another child. And I wanted one more child.
We had been putting it off while we were starting the church and wanted to get a steady income and our feet under us with that before we added a newborn to the mix. It was always one thing after another putting it off little by little.
Now, it’s not time either. I want to make sure we are in a healthy place before we talk about adding a baby to our lives. And, currently, we have no jobs, so that’s not too smart either.
Regardless, I am feeling this loss. I am feeling time slipping away. I am wondering if Caleb will be an only child.
Caleb is SUCH a blessing. He is a treasure and more than we deserve even if we don’t have any more children. I love him so much and never want to sound like “he’s not enough”.
But I want him to have a brother or sister (ok, I really want him to have a sister!).
And I’m not getting any younger! And I’m type 1 diabetic, so I have some extra issues to deal with.
I’m just feeling a twinge of jealousy when people around me get pregnant. It’s not that I’m not happy for THEM! I just feel sadness for me. Selfish, I know. I’m just being honest.
It’s one more thing that was “taken” from me when Tim decided to have an affair. And that makes me angry. And I’m trying so hard to not let myself dwell in anger and bitterness. But that is such a battle sometimes. When I lean into God, when I trust Him and obey Him, He gives me strength to get out of that pit, but that is an exhausting struggle sometimes.
I know, at least as far as I know now, that my time is not over. As far as I know I am not barren. But I don’t know if or when we may be able to have a child.
I want to do this right. I don’t want to do this before we are healthy. I want to give that child as good of a situation as possible to be born into.
But I have moments when I yearn for another baby. Times when I see Caleb growing up and think to myself, “he’d be such a great older brother!”. Thinking about being pregnant again and the miracle that that is. Wanting to hold a little baby again and watch all those firsts.
But I don’t want to jump the gun. We still have so much to work out. At least it feels like a lot sometimes.
It’s just hard. There is so much loss around me through this whole thing. I don’t want to lose this too.
I feel like I need to put a caveat on this. I have some dear friends who have struggled with infertility for some time. They have allowed me in and along with them in their journey so I know a little about how they have felt. I in no way want to offend anyone who has struggled with infertility. I know my situation is different. I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to minimize what they have gone through or say that I am in the same boat. I just love you ladies and your husbands so much and never want to offend you and your experience!