The Five Stages

The stages of grieving are:

Denial – Check!  Definitely was there in the beginning.  I think I still have moments of denial, but I think I’ve moved past that one for the most part.

Anger – OOOOOO YES! Check and check!  I still visit this stage sometimes.  I try really hard, through prayer, to not settle here again.  But I definitely visit it.

Bargaining – I don’t know if I ever did this one.

Depression – I am nostril deep in this one right now!  Which I guess can be a good thing since it is the second to last stage, but this one is a doozie!  According to wikipedia: “It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.”  That’s comforting! {Insert sarcasm here!}

Acceptance – NOT there yet!

I am so thankful for Cindy Beall.  I have emailed her a couple times and she was gracious enough to answer me back.  She has walked this road, unfortunately, and now has a wonderful marriage.  It was a hard road, but they walked it and have achieved restoration.  I want that.  But often I wonder if that will be our outcome.

Cindy told me the only way to get over this is to go THROUGH it.  She said I need to cry.  I need to grieve the losses.

That is so frightening though.  I think I have been avoiding that.  I think I’ve been trying to believe that if I pray enough then I can get thorough this without having to feel all that pain.

In the moments, the SPLIT seconds that I allow myself to think about what has actually happened, I mean really think about it…I can’t describe the pain, the terror I feel.  It’s so overwhelming.  I’m afraid if I start crying I will never stop.  I’m afraid I will never come out of it.

It’s so scary to allow myself to grieve.  But I know I have to.  I know God won’t leave me.  But it just hurts. so. bad.


3 thoughts on “The Five Stages

  1. I was thinking of that other post when I read this. You know you have to feel it to heal it, but it’s so terrifying.

    Have you tried to play the “what’s the worst that can happen” card? What if you did feel it, did have the loss, what if it didn’t all work out in the end? I say that not to terrify you *at all*. I would hate to see that happen to you. But the worst that can happen is that God will STILL BE WITH YOU to walk through it.

    It sounds like the worst will not happen. I happen to think the RESTORATION you long for is your end result. But I am rooting for you on your journey. Take as long as it has to take, because you already know the victory is your strengthened relationship with your Creator.

    I’ve been blogging about marriage all this week… in the next week or so I’m going to share about my journey through depression. You ARE NOT ALONE in your journey.

    Love you so much.


  2. It is okay to feel it. The feelings will not kill you, will not destroy you, will not steal your progress. They will not steal your marriage. In fact, I think it’s just the opposite – stuffing the feelings, although it seems safer – WILL kill you, destroy you, and will steal your progress.

    Of course, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to go to those places in your mind. If you go there in a obsessive way (as is my tendency), then it’s not time to go there yet. But if you’re staying out of that territory because you’re afraid, you may just need to do it. Sit down with a cup of tea and a journal or a friend and just *go there.* Let your mind wander through the things it needs to wander through.

    When I miscarried I lived through one of my worst nightmares. Before I miscarried I truly believed that if something awful happened I would die or need to be placed in an in-patient mental health treatment facility. So far, neither of those things have happened. I don’t say this because I think miscarriage and recovery from affairs are the same. The similarity I see is that they’re nightmares of the worst degree, but sometimes the fear of living the nightmare is worse than the actual process of living the nightmare. I’m not saying either are pleasant, but I don’t think you can ever actually wake up until you take care of the mental churning.

    I’m with you on the “depressed” stuff. SO with you. I don’t know if you do (or are open to) any sort of medication. I would give it consideration if it’s something you haven’t considered up to this point. It doesn’t make me feel like a zombie and doesn’t take away my sadness or pain. Heck – even on Prozac I still qualify as depressed. I find it just takes the edge off the lows and makes me feel more confident in my ability to move forward. It’s like I can deal with little pieces of my grief at a time rather than trying to deal with the whole conglomeration of it at once. Just wanted to throw that out there as an option – you’ve probably already thought about it but in case you hadn’t I thought I’d say it.

  3. Pingback: Progressing « this and that and then some

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