We had a talk with a good friend the other day. This is a friend who is FIGHTING for us. We don’t have a lot of people in our lives fighting for us. He is doing that. It is humbling and empowering to see someone cry FOR us…not because of what we’ve been through, but because he doesn’t want us to lose this battle. He is moving far away soon. I will miss him so much. We will miss him so much. I’m not sure what we are going to do without him!
But he had some hard words for us that we needed to hear right now.
We have lost our way in this recently. The added stress of being unemployed and not knowing how to change careers with little to no experience outside of ministry in this economy is overwhelming to say the least. ON TOP of all of the pain and difficulty of walking this hard road.
We had lost our way. We had let the pain and discouragement and hopelessness consume us and blind us. To each other. To God’s light and hope. To a future.
He helped kick our butts back in gear.
One thing he said has been rolling around in my head.
I have a choice. Well, I have A LOT of choices, but this particular choice has been messing with my head.
I can choose the right to be broken and hurt and wounded. OR I can choose the right to be healed and happy and whole.
You may be reading this and smacking your forehead saying “DUH! You choose the second one!”
But it’s not that easy. Not at all.
“My flesh” is clinging with all my might to the right to be broken and hurt and wounded. Because I am. And I DO have that right! BOY do I have that right! With all that has happened for so many years and most recently with the affair, I certainly have the right to be broken! And hurt! And wounded!
But if I choose to live in that choice, then I DON’T live in the choice to be healed and happy and whole. I don’t choose God’s path of healing and allowing Him to bandage the wounds and help me to come out of this a better person who is closer to Him and, hopefully, more like Him.
And I have forgotten that that is a right too. I do have a RIGHT to be healed and happy and whole. Because God is so much bigger than this. Because God is the Master Healer. Because Jesus died so that I don’t have to be a slave to my flesh. Because His power is so mighty that it raised Jesus from the dead after three days. Because God, in His love and grace, wants His daughter to be made whole.
Choosing the right to be healed does NOT mean the pain is over. Not by any stretch. God has been showing me in numerous unconnected sources that I have got to walk THROUGH this pain and feel it and grieve. That still terrifies me. But it’s the only way to truly get through this and be better on the other side.
So, I have another choice. If you are the praying kind, I would love your prayers to help me make the right choice. Because this is a choice I have to make every second of every day right now. I believe as time goes on I will have to make that choice less and less often. But right now it is ALL. THE. TIME. And I need some crazy supernatural strength for that!
But I have to make a choice if anything is going to change. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.