Sunday was a rough day. I don’t know all the reasons why. Tim has been working out of town on weekends which leaves me home with Caleb which can be draining sometimes. And going to church is still hard sometimes. Things have just been rough, and for whatever reason I was feeling it on Sunday morning.
As I sat down in church it was just so heavy. I felt like I needed someone, but didn’t know where to turn. On a whim I tweeted a prayer. Not sure why, but it felt good. Here was my tweet:
God, give me your strength today. Feeling so weak and beat up. But I know You are with me. Carry me. Fill me Abba!
The church I went to had communion on Sunday. They do communion pretty much every week. I don’t do it every time. I just don’t prefer it every week unless there is adequate time and focus given to it. I think it is a very deep thing for me and if it’s just a regular service element it loses something for me. That’s only MY opinion though!
Anyway, they did it in a different way this week. And I think I needed it. I needed that reflection time.
As I sat there with the little creamer cup of juice with the (nasty) little wafer in the lid, I found it very hard to take the elements. I just couldn’t get myself to do it.
I really struggle with guilt. I feel such guilt for having sent Jesus to the cross that sometimes it’s overwhelming. It gets in the way of my relationship with God sometimes I think. It keeps me from being able to accept His love. I feel so unworthy.
That’s where I was on Sunday. I was just so down, so beat down, the feelings of guilt just overwhelmed me and I couldn’t get myself to take the elements. I was reminded that Jesus can relate with my pain right now. He was betrayed. He wasn’t married and cheated on, but He was betrayed. Those he loved and trusted left Him during His darkest most painful time. They left Him. He was betrayed. He endured such pain, physically, emotionally, relationally. If I believe that He was fully God AND fully human (which I do), then I have to believe He experienced those horrible emotions and feelings. Many of the same I am feeling these days.
And that made me feel so guilty. So horrible that I did that to Him. I just couldn’t get myself to peel back that little plastic wrapper to take the wafer and drink the juice. I just kept saying, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Then I “heard” God tell me: I did it because I love you. I DON’T REGRET IT. I did it because of my love for you. I would do it again. I DON’T REGRET IT.
I had just prayed and asked God to help me in those moments. To fill me. To meet with me. And He answered that prayer. Quickly this time. So, if I asked for it, then I needed to accept it. I needed to accept His love for me, even if just for those few moments.
Jesus died because of His love for me and His desire to have a personal relationship with me. That doesn’t mean that I should take that lightly or not grieve and repent of the sin in my life. But I need to accept His love and know that He doesn’t regret that sacrifice for me.
One more step in my journey. One step closer to accepting God’s love in a deeper way.