There is a lot of divorce in my family. My mom has been married five times. All my aunts and uncles and grandparents are divorced. Please know I love my family and would ask that you not think bad of them for being divorced. We all make decisions as best we can at the time.
I never thought that these divorces had much effect on me. On the contrary, I thought they had a “good” influence on me. They made me resolve to the core of my being that I would NOT get divorced in my life. I was going to break that cycle and would not allow that to happen.
I have had to rethink that in these past several months. I never dreamed I would have God’s “permission” to divorce, so I never thought it would be an option.
But I’ve seen that the divorces did have an effect on me. And I think on my relationship with God a bit.
I didn’t realize that I felt rejection when these men left my life. It never really came up until Tim had an affair. And I was “left” by yet another man in my life. Another man I trusted left me. Even if just for a time.
I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough for anyone to stay in my life. No one thought enough of me to stick with me.
I felt like this scared little girl with pigtails and a gingham dress holding her dolly with tear streaked cheeks sitting a corner scared, crying, alone, and confused.
It’s frightening when, as a 30 something, you feel like a scared, sad little girl. Not a pleasant place to be.
But I’m learning I need to embrace this and deal with it, pray about it, examine it, so I can come out of it better.
And I realized that I had put some of these feelings on God. Wondering when He would leave me. Or had He already? Will He really stick around if I’m “not-good-enough”? What will it take for Him to leave. For me to not be worthy of Him and His love?
I think that’s why He’s really working on me right now to understand and accept His love for me.
What has YOUR journey with accepting God’s love for you been like?