Rejection

There is a lot of divorce in my family.  My mom has been married five times.  All my aunts and uncles and grandparents are divorced.  Please know I love my family and would ask that you not think bad of them for being divorced.  We all make decisions as best we can at the time.

I never thought that these divorces had much effect on me.  On the contrary, I thought they had a “good” influence on me.  They made me resolve to the core of my being that I would NOT get divorced in my life.  I was going to break that cycle and would not allow that to happen.

I have had to rethink that in these past several months.  I never dreamed I would have God’s “permission” to divorce, so I never thought it would be an option.

But I’ve seen that the divorces did have an effect on me.  And I think on my relationship with God a bit.

I didn’t realize that I felt rejection when these men left my life.  It never really came up until Tim had an affair.  And I was “left” by yet another man in my life.  Another man I trusted left me.  Even if just for a time.

I began to feel like I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough for anyone to stay in my life.  No one thought enough of me to stick with me.

I felt like this scared little girl with pigtails and a gingham dress holding her dolly with tear streaked cheeks sitting a corner scared, crying, alone, and confused.

It’s frightening when, as a 30 something, you feel like a scared, sad little girl.  Not a pleasant place to be.

But I’m learning I need to embrace this and deal with it, pray about it, examine it, so I can come out of it better.

And I realized that I had put some of these feelings on God.  Wondering when He would leave me.  Or had He already?  Will He really stick around if I’m “not-good-enough”?  What will it take for Him to leave.  For me to not be worthy of Him and His love?

I think that’s why He’s really working on me right now to understand and accept His love for me.

What has YOUR journey with accepting God’s love for you been like?

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2 thoughts on “Rejection

  1. OH, friend. The road is so long for you, and my heart hurts. I can’t take it away, but I can offer a word from my journey right now.

    This month I am buried neck deep in Judges, writing a set of Bible study lessons. And it’s frankly a little depressing. I can’t read each new passage without exclaiming in exasperation, “Come on, you STUPID PEOPLE!!!” Justin is so tired of hearing it, lol.

    (Incidentally, I have you on constant replay as I write, remembering the OT Rewind drama you performed for Club 45 way back when. How did that scene go? “Lord, save us!”).

    But when you marinate in the people’s unfaithfulness, you begin to see something else, like a fresh bud on a plant you thought was dead: DESPITE the stiff-necked, idol-worshiping, history-repeating foolishness of the people, GOD REMAINS FAITHFUL. He punishes them for their sins, but always with the end goal of bringing the people back into restored relationship with him.

    And I have come to the conclusion that if God remains faithful to his chosen people even when they pretty much do everything possible to break the covenant from their end, then there is nothing I can do to separate myself from God. No matter how badly I screw up. Ever.

    No matter what experiences you may have in this life, God will remain faithful. He will not go away. He will not reject you.

    Even as you walk through the valley where you feel so far from him, he is still faithful and will always be working to bring you into restored relationship with him.

    That’s all I have. I hope it brings you fresh hope. Love ya.

    • thanks krista! you’re so right. i’m so thankful God gives us evidence of his love and faithfulness in the Bible. i don’t read Judges much, so thank you for bringing that to mind!

      and yes, i remember OT rewind!! o SO FUN!!! i got to do NEW Testament Rewind at KCC for their Christmas Eve services a while back! SO fun!!! i sure do miss KCC!!!

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