The time has come

This season is tough for me this year.

I know the dates they were together.

Right around now is when it started.

One year ago.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since it started.  It feels like just yesterday that Tim told me the news that would shatter my heart and implode my life.

I have been dreading the fall season.  That’s when it happened.

I knew these days would come.  I was trying not to think about them.  I didn’t want to dwell on them and make them out to be bigger than they should be.  So I tried to not think of them at all.

But they are here now.  And I have to face them.

How do I do that?

It’s hard.  It’s a struggle.  But one God can win.

There will be pain.  Lots of it in the days to come.

And lots, and lots of praying.

My prayers are different now.  Almost everything in life has been stripped away.  Everything but God.  He has never left me.  No matter how alone I have felt, He has always been there.  He has comforted me when nothing else could.  He has, and continues, to hold the broken pieces of my heart safely until they’ve had time to heal.

And I pray for Tim.  A lot more.  I’m ashamed to say it, but I’m praying for him more now than I did probably ever in our marriage.  I’m so ashamed of that fact.  But, in any case, I’m praying for him now.  Very differently than I ever have before.

There is a lot of uncertainty in the days to come.  I’m kinda scared.  But I know I have to face them.  There’s nothing I can do to avoid them.  And I have survived hard “anniversaries” before.  If there’s one thing we see in the Bible a lot is people looking back at what God had done in their past and in past generations.  I need to remember what God has done in me in the past.  What He has done for others in the past.

God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  He will give me peace and strength to do what is right, to obey, and to survive.  I will do my best to hold on to those promises.

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