I feel like I need to write.

But about what, I’m not sure.

Do you ever have that feeling?  Like something is inside that needs to get out.  Processed.  Shared.  Developed.

But I’m just not sure what it is.

Things have been rough lately.  I am feeling a lot of things.  I am feeling a lot of fear.  Fear has been an issue for me for a long time.  As long as I can remember actually.  In my adult life I have overcome it in certain situations.  I have auditioned for plays.  I have worked to start a church.  I have had conversations and asked questions that scared me.  I have made decisions and chosen to not look back.

But the fear is always there.

It is pretty much ever-present these days.

I don’t like that.  I don’t want to live a life ruled by fear.

So, when those fears wrap around me like hurricane winds, and I can get enough sense to see that and recognize it (which is rarer than it should be!) I try to pray.  I try to remember any verses from the Bible I can to combat those fears.  Because that is the only thing that brings me calm.

God is always with me, no matter what happens in life.

God will guide and provide, no matter what happens in life.

God did not give me a spirit of fear or timidity, but of POWER, love and self-discipline.

Nothing that happens is a surprise to God.

God has been so, so faithful.  I know He has.  He had done things in me that I never thought possible.  And when I am weak it’s usually because I have fallen away.  Because I have been self-absorbed and not keeping my focus where it should be.  I get lost in my own head walking, sometimes running, down winding paths that lead to nowhere but loop around on themselves and keep me circling but never progressing.  It’s not until I stop and look up, out, around, OFF of my own feet that I see God’s Hand outstretched for me to grab.  He wants to pull me out of this never ending labyrinth.  I just have to get my focus back in the right place.  But He’s always there waiting, calling to me.

I just wish I could be more consistent.  I hate the back and forth.  It’s exhausting.  And I don’t have a lot of energy these days.

But maybe, slowly, I will make the right choice more and more, and then more than I make the wrong choices.

Not sure if that’s what was inside needing to get out, but there it is!  🙂


2 thoughts on “Focus…..FOCUS!

  1. That’s a good thing to get out, even if it’s not the thing that seems to be stuck in your psyche right now!

    I struggle a lot with fear because of my anxiety issues. On one hand, I want to fully embrace the “just trust God” mindset – not in a simplistic way, but in a genuine way. On the other hand, my anxiety is truly beyond “regular” anxiety. I have (and have had for a long, long time) an anxiety disorder. I’d never suggest a cancer patient was not trusting God because she took medicine for her cancer treatments and struggled somewhat in her walk with God. But it feels a little blurrier when you’re talking about disorders of the mind.

    Anyway, I don’t know if your fear rises to the same sort of level as mine does, but I’ve been working on learning to be more accepting of who I am and the limitations God has let me have without allowing those thoughts to become barriers and hindrances. I am who I am and beating myself up for it or pretending I’m someone else is harmful to me. But on the other hand I am made perfect in Christ. I’m trying to learn to be comfortable in the mental “in-between” place where I can be both horridly flawed and a new creature.

  2. Pingback: Progressing « this and that and then some

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