One breath at a time

They hurt.  Each breath hurts these days.

I feel it in my chest.  Literally.  The broken shards of my heart pierce me each time I try to take a breath.

And it hurts.

Tomorrow marks a significant “anniversary”.  I really, REALLY thought I was going to do better with this.  But I’m not.  Each day this weekend that gets closer to tomorrow seems to be getting harder.  I have tried to keep myself busy.  I have wasted a lot of time trying to be distracted.  I haven’t let myself cry yet.  I’m scared to cry.

I really thought this wasn’t going to be quite so hard.  I thought I would be able to say, “yes, what happened last year was horribly awful and terrible….but look where we are today!”

But I can’t say that today.  I don’t have a lot to look at that is better than a year ago.

I have still clung to God’s words of “rest in me”.

But I DO have to walk this road.  I DO have to process this.  I DO have to grieve.  I DO have to feel the pain.

But I DON’T do it alone!  And THAT is significant.  THAT is different in me today than a year ago.  I am walking with God in a totally new way today.  It has been a hard road.  One I REALLY wish I didn’t have to go down to get here, but I am thankful for what God has done in me and how our relationship is different.

Please know I am no angel!  I have used profanity more times than I care to admit (gasp!), I have spoken unkind words about people, I have wallowed, I have been defensive, you name it, I’ve probably done it.

But I’m thankful for God’s forgiveness.  And His understanding.  And His willingness to walk with me even when I am not acting much like His child.

So, that is what we are doing today.  And will do tomorrow.

I will walk through the pain.  My knees will buckle at times.  My chest will ache.

But I just can’t shake this image of me as a little girl holding my Daddy’s hand as we walk through this dark cloud.  I can’t go around it.  I can’t avoid it altogether.  But He is holding my hand and we are walking it TOGETHER.

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