I feel it in my chest. Literally. The broken shards of my heart pierce me each time I try to take a breath.
And it hurts.
Tomorrow marks a significant “anniversary”. I really, REALLY thought I was going to do better with this. But I’m not. Each day this weekend that gets closer to tomorrow seems to be getting harder. I have tried to keep myself busy. I have wasted a lot of time trying to be distracted. I haven’t let myself cry yet. I’m scared to cry.
I really thought this wasn’t going to be quite so hard. I thought I would be able to say, “yes, what happened last year was horribly awful and terrible….but look where we are today!”
But I can’t say that today. I don’t have a lot to look at that is better than a year ago.
I have still clung to God’s words of “rest in me”.
But I DO have to walk this road. I DO have to process this. I DO have to grieve. I DO have to feel the pain.
But I DON’T do it alone! And THAT is significant. THAT is different in me today than a year ago. I am walking with God in a totally new way today. It has been a hard road. One I REALLY wish I didn’t have to go down to get here, but I am thankful for what God has done in me and how our relationship is different.
Please know I am no angel! I have used profanity more times than I care to admit (gasp!), I have spoken unkind words about people, I have wallowed, I have been defensive, you name it, I’ve probably done it.
But I’m thankful for God’s forgiveness. And His understanding. And His willingness to walk with me even when I am not acting much like His child.
So, that is what we are doing today. And will do tomorrow.
I will walk through the pain. My knees will buckle at times. My chest will ache.
But I just can’t shake this image of me as a little girl holding my Daddy’s hand as we walk through this dark cloud. I can’t go around it. I can’t avoid it altogether. But He is holding my hand and we are walking it TOGETHER.