Hanging on tight!

I have had this rolling around in my head for a while now.

Going through everything I have this year has really tested my faith.  When Tim first confessed his affair to me I didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know what was going on.  To say I was blindsided is an understatement.  The rush of emotions can’t even be put into words.

But even in those first moments I had a choice to make.  What or who was I going to cling to?  My WHOLE world had just imploded.  Almost everything I knew to be true was a lie.  Or had been tainted by lies. I was questioning everything.

Including God.

I wondered for several days how He could let this happen to me.  Tim made his decisions, but why didn’t God protect me from this?  Where was He?  Was He real?  If He was real, and loving like I had always believed, then how could a loving God allow this to happen to me?

And, thankfully, God is big enough and strong enough to handle those questions.  And still love me and treat me gently in the pain and questioning.

Thankfully, in those early days I did feel and sense God’s presence with me.  He held me when I cried.  I remember feeling Him holding my broken heart in His Hands.  I know that may sound weird to you, but I really did feel that.

Through this whole thing my dependance on God has grown tremendously!  For the first several months I needed Him to breathe, to get out of bed, to keep going.  I felt like everything was taken from me and I was faced with the question, “What is left?”

God’s presence, His promises, His strength, His love, His truth…and Caleb and my family and some friends.  Everything else was up in the air.

When the fog started to clear a few months into this journey I remember thinking about how I didn’t want to lose this dependance on God.  I wanted life to get better.  But I didn’t want to lose this feeling, this belief, that I can’t get through my day without God.  I didn’t want to have to life in crisis mode as the only way to be this dependent.

I gave that lip service before.  And I believed it before.  I wasn’t trying to lie.  I was living that as best I could at the moment.

But NOW I understand it SO much deeper.  I REALLY CAN’T GET THROUGH A DAY WITHOUT HIM!  And if I try, it’s a mess!

I DON’T want to lose this!  I don’t want to feel self-sufficient.  I don’t want to feel like I can do it on my own.  I don’t want to lose this complete (as complete as I can understand it now) dependance on God.  I need Him to give me direction, strength, help me make choices every minute of everyday.

I don’t SUCCEED at this all the time!  I don’t want to sound like I have this all figured out or perfected at all!

But I understand this dependance so much differently now.  And I really don’t want to lose it!

(And I sure don’t want things to stay hard just so I don’t forget this lesson!  😉

In my playlist that I’ve made I have this song by Josh Wilson called Savior Please:

(I highly recommend you listen to the song!  🙂

Here are the lyrics:

Savior, please take my hand

I work so hard, I live so fast

This life begins, and then it ends

And I do the best that I can, but I don’t know how long I’ll last

I try to be so tough

But I’m just not strong enough

I can’t do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me

I try to be good enough

But I’m nothing without Your love

Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand

I fall so hard, I fade so fast

Will You begin right where I end

And be the God of all I am because You’re all I have

Hallelujah

Everything You are to me

Is everything I’ll ever need

And I am learning to believe

That I don’t have to prove a thing

‘Cause You’re the one who’s saving me

And this one from Owl City:

I can finally see
That you’re right there beside me

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don’t let me go
I desperately need you

I am not my own
For I have been made new
Please don’t let me go
I desperately need you

That describes some of what I’ve been learning.  I need God to “keep saving me”.  Often from myself.  Other times from things around me.  But always I need HIM to do it.  To give me all that I need.  It comes from Him.

I’m trying to learn and live that lesson better each day.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.  But He is there either way.  And for that I am grateful beyond words.

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