I need more time!

Ok, so I’ve been having this weird fear lately.  Probably most of this year actually.  Pretty much since Tim confessed his affair.  I’ve had it in varying degrees and at different times, but it’s kinda always there nagging me.  Sometimes it actually causes me some anxiety.

And I don’t like it at all!

I’m so afraid that one of us is going to die.  Me, Tim, Caleb.  Or we will get cancer or something (this is a big one!).  Or Tim’s plane will go down (he’s been traveling for a job a bit lately).  Or I will get in a car accident.

I feel like life has been so hard, so many trials, and then it’s all going to end.  And this is all I get.

With all that has gone on this year, I REALLY don’t want life to end for any of us right now.

Not that ANYONE, or I, would EVER be ready to lose someone I love or want any of us to get sick.  And the thought of losing Caleb or him getting sick….I can’t even go there!

But I just have this horrible anxiety that now that we are trying to get life on track, now that we are doing SO much work…NOW is when it will all end.

And I want more time.  I’m not ready yet.

We are at the START of a long road of healing.  Of transformation.  Of renewing.  Of building and rebuilding.

I want to see all this work pay off!

I want to be married for 50 or 60 years (or 70??) and look back and see how far God taken us.

I want to look back on a family touched by God and therefore taken from our path of destruction and MAKE IT and THRIVE!

I want to look back on how we fought and clawed our way to defeat what could have destroyed us.

I want to raise a child (or children) and see what they turn out to be.  To see what God does with their lives.

I need more time!  I’m not ready to lose any one of use yet!

Sometimes this fear grips me so hard.  My dad was murdered when I was 13 and ever since then I have known life can be gone in an instant.  You may never see it coming.

I’m having a hard time just resting in knowing that God has us and will take care of us.

I don’t want to worry about this.  I have enough to deal with each day, I don’t need THIS added!  😉


One thought on “I need more time!

  1. I have this same fear. I can’t quite explain it – I find myself having panic that one of us is going to die. Like – we’ve been so unlucky to experience infertility and then a late miscarriage – on Mother’s Day, at that. So if we’re that unlucky, something awful must be coming next.

    Anyway, when I get stuck in these thinking ruts, sometimes it means I need more antidepressants. Sometimes it means I need to be more aggressive in managing my thoughts. But it’s definitely a process. Not sure I have anything helpful to add – just wanted to say I have the same type of fears.

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