I’ve written about it a few times. Here, here and here.
I don’t know if I have 100% forgiven yet. I guess if I’m unsure, that probably means I haven’t yet.
In some ways I am ashamed of that. I beat myself up for that. I kick myself for not being better and doing what is “right”.
But at the same, it’s where I am. And I can’t deny that.
And I am MUCH farther along than I have been. I think I have forgiven some. I see changes in me, in my heart, in my prayers that shows me God has done work on me in this area.
But I feel like there is still a little thread holding me back. I may be able to determine what that is tonight at my counseling session. Little nervous, but whatever.
I read this blog post today. AMAZING for me where I am! It’s short, so I hope you will read it too.
Here is a chunk of it:
The supernatural ability of grace is not just its ability to transform the person you extend it to. The supernatural ability of grace is its ability to transform you, as you extend it.
God calls us to give grace as much for us as for those to which we are called to give it.
Here is the deal today…you will not always feel like doing this. This is a difficult way to live. Not holding a grudge will be difficult. Accepting the unacceptable will not be easy. Overcoming resentment and bitterness will not be popular. There will be times that the last thing you feel like doing is forgiving.
Your husband owes you. Your mom let you down. Your wife broke your trust. Your dad abused you. You will not always feel like giving grace.
Often, extending grace is more about obedience than it is about feelings.
Doesn’t giving grace just excuse their choice to hurt me? Don’t they in a sense just get away with that they’ve done when I give them grace? How can that be fair?
Grace doesn’t excuse their behavior; grace prevents their behavior from hardening your heart. (This emphasis was mine)
Doesn’t that last line sound kinda selfish??? But it’s true.
I think that has been something I’ve been hung up on. I don’t want to excuse what Tim did. But I also want to be able to move past it and live a better life. That tension is frustrating, uncomfortable, miserable.
But I’m dealing with it. And it’s getting better. It really is.
I am working really hard to learn this lesson of grace and forgiveness. It’s been a long, arduous journey. And it’s not over yet.