Our church was starting a fast together. A 21 day fast. We did this along with hundreds of thousands of others around the world with Awake 21. We decided to set this time aside to seek God more wholeheartedly. We were seeking God for personal things and also, as a church, for direction for our little, struggling church. We had gotten some devastating news a month before and were desperate for God to give us direction and answers.
God answered those prayers. He is faithful to answer. I didn’t like the answers. Not even a tiny bit. And I hated the way the answers came.
But He answered the prayers I so desperately brought before Him.
He did answer them.
Nine days into this fast, one year ago, is when Tim confessed to me that he had an affair. That was the final element to closing our precious little church. Not the only factor. But the final one. God answered our prayers for direction for the church.
I prayed during the fast for our marriage and our family. God answered those prayers. He worked in Tim to get him to a point of confessing the most heartbreaking thing he could say to me. God brought him to a point of wanting to cleanse himself, our relationship, and hope to start fresh and clean and rebuild. He ripped deep roots out of Tim that needed to come out so that we could be one. It was the most painful thing I’ve had to deal with, but it answered our prayers.
I was thinking the other day. My mind just wandering and weaving in and out of thoughts as I was driving and this statement came to mind.
God doesn’t want us to be happy. He wants us to be His.
HUH?!?!?! Where did that come from?? I don’t like that theology!
But I believe it’s true.
Now, don’t get me wrong. That doesn’t mean God wants us to be miserable and never wants to give us good things or that He never wants us to be happy.
It’s just that being HIS is SO much more important to Him.
I know this isn’t a new thought. You might be sitting there going, “DUH!”
But as I look back over this year and what today was a year ago I see that more. There have not been a lot of moments along this journey that I would call “happy”, but each step has gotten me closer to God and to being more His.
It’s been painful and peaceful at the same time. Destruction and rebirth at the same time.
Right now the pain and the destruction outweigh the peace and regrowth sometimes. But this isn’t the end of the journey yet. I have hope that in the days, months, years to come those scales are going to shift.
I’m not going to lie. I wish so bad right now, as I cry writing this post, that I could be writing a different story. I wish I didn’t have to go through this. I wish that fast from a year ago would have ended VERY differently. V E R Y differently.
But it didn’t.
And I CAN look back at this past year and see growth amidst the devastation. I can see how my relationship with God is different. I still don’t understand why, but I’m getting closer to not needing to know why.
Being “His” does bring happiness. But God loves us FAR too much to just “make us happy”.
P.S. If you want to read the few posts I was able to write during the fast you can follow the links below. January 19 is the day Tim confessed to me. I think it’s quite interesting what I wrote that day before we talked keeping in mind I had NO indication this was coming.