I had a wonderful time having coffee with a newer attender to our church. I was looking forward to getting to know her and her fiance. She and I had such a great time talking for hours at Panera getting to know one another, Veritas, and just having fun “girl talking” about her upcoming wedding. It was wonderful. I LOVED that part of my job!
I came home around 8ish and Tim had arranged to have my mom watch Caleb for the night. I figured he wanted to have a surprise date night or something!
That was not the plan.
I talked about my coffee date and about our days. Then he sat me down on the couch. He said he needed to talk to me about something.
I can’t recount the rest of the details. It’s still too painful and overwhelming to put myself back IN those moments. But that night is when Tim confessed to me his affair.
If you notice the calendar you will see that tomorrow is January 19, 2011. One year later.
This anniversary has been really hard….as they all have.
But we are working hard to use January 19 to celebrate, not just grieve. We are working to celebrate what God has done over this year.
I’ve been reading the blog of another woman who walked this road this year. A few weeks after Tim’s confession came out, a friend of mine pointed me to this woman’s blog. She had just revealed that her husband confessed the same thing and had quit his job at his church. So, needless to say, I felt a weird “connection” to her through her blog.
But this week I read it (I am WAY behind in my reading) and it sent me into a downward spiral. She was writing about how she wants to still get out a “year in review” Christmas letter. She talked about how much she loves her husband and how 2010 was their best year ever.
I have used every bit of strength I can muster to not make horrible choices some days, I have worked so hard to just survive! This has been my WORST year ever….and she says it was her BEST???
So, then I started comparing…..which as we all know, is a bad idea! AND, I have NO idea what ANY of the details of their relationship, his affair, any of that were! So, really, I can’t even “compare” them.
But that didn’t stop the slippery slope of negativity to overtake me. There were a lot of other factors too, not just that one blog! But that one sticks out in my mind.
I started to lose hope. Big time. I started to believe that life was NEVER going to get any better. That what life is today is as good as it is ever going to get. That I have no future. That we will never be happy.
And those are not good thoughts to consume your mind!
So, for tomorrow, I am working hard on listening for God’s voice of Truth.
The hard part is that there is sad truth too. The TRUTH is that Tim had an affair. The TRUTH is that we had to close the church. The TRUTH is that there has been a lot of loss and pain this year.
But that’s not where the TRUTH ends. And I am working hard to remember that. And LIVE in that.
The TRUTH is ALSO that God restores. That with God working in us anything is possible. We have to let Him have His way and we have to do the work, but anything IS possible.
The TRUTH is ALSO that we have seen this through so far. Neither of us have given up….even when it seems it would have been MUCH easier to do so.
The TRUTH is ALSO that God’s power brings the dead back to life.
The TRUTH is ALSO that Tim, and I, are forgiven. And I can, and do, forgive Tim. As best as I know how right now at this point I forgive him. God has forgiven him.
The TRUTH is ALSO that God’s grace gives us what we don’t deserve. God has showered me with peace, strength, love, compassion, direction, and even patience sometimes!
So, tomorrow we are working to celebrate. We will take time to grieve when necessary. But we will celebrate. My heart doesn’t FEEL like celebrating. It still aches quite a bit. But I will CHOOSE to celebrate, to acknowledge all that God HAS done! He is amazing and He deserves the recognition and the celebration.
So, tomorrow will be a lot of moment by moment choices for me. Hard choices sometimes. I would love your prayers!!
Oh, and I had to steal this from that blog I was telling you about. Gonna keep this close to my heart in the days to come!
“I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14-15)