Taking stock

Today I am meeting with some lovely women.  They were part of a very painful time in my life just over a year ago, one month before Tim confessed his affair.  It’s complicated, and the details don’t need to be gone over again right now.  But this will be the first time we’ve talked in over a year.  Because of this, there are a lot of emotions flying around in me today.

Life has been busy and my days have been fairly full lately, so I haven’t put a lot of thought into this meeting yet.

Until this morning.

I was praying about it.  God has changed my heart to be ready for this meeting today.  But it has just brought up SO MUCH.  It has caused me to think over the events of the last 15 months.  And those months have been filled with a lot of pain, details I would give anything to forget, feelings no one should feel, decisions that were excruciating to make.

But God has helped me to train myself to go to Him when I get in these modes.  I know that it is NOT healthy for me dwell in these memories.  I am not just pushing them down, but I can’t live in those moments.  I can’t stay stuck in those memories and emotions.  Because other things have happened too.

I asked God to protect my mind today.

It has helped me to look back and see how far I’ve come in 15 months.  How I have changed.  How God has changed me.  What I have seen and learned about Him.

Yes, there is still a lot of pain sometimes.  But that’s ok.  Because it is not ALL consuming still.  Yes, there is still grieving and feelings of intense loss.  But there is also growth.  And maybe even some hope!

I am gaining the strength to look at the bad AND the good.  God is helping me to see that I HAVE grown, I HAVE changed, I am NOT still back there.  It doesn’t have to consume me, dragging me down and not letting go of my ankles.  I can see it, I can feel it, but I can kick it off too.

And that is a BIG, BIG deal.  For me it is.

And I really can’t take any of the credit.  I want to make that clear!  If it weren’t for God, I really don’t know that I would even be alive today.  He has done the work and stuck by me in the darkest, bleakest times, and pulled me out.  I want to make sure He gets all the credit!

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