This journey of rebuilding after an affair has many, MANY ups and downs. I have heard from many different sources that it usually takes around 5 years to fully get through this. Not to say that there aren’t ever any difficult times or pain after those 5 years, but that things level out and it isn’t such a roller coaster anymore.
I’ve been in a dip on that roller coaster ride lately. And I think Tim has too a little.
I’ve had days where I just cry, and cry out to God and tell Him I can’t do this anymore. I can’t survive this. I can’t handle feeling the pain anymore. I can’t stay with Tim, I can’t do all this work.
I hear God whisper to me that I can get through this. I can keep going. But I stay insistent that He’s wrong! 😉
At our counseling session the other day she read us Deuteronomy 29:29:
“The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.
It reminded me of Matthew 6:25-34. I know those verses well, but I tend to blow them off sometimes – they just seem so impossible to live sometimes! Am I right???
But this verse in Deuteronomy hit me differently.
I don’t know if I will have tomorrow, I don’t know if I will be alive in the 5 years it takes to get over this (I HOPE I am! I’m not done here yet!). I don’t know so many things.
But the way this verse puts it, that “God has secrets known to no one” has a different ring to it.
It’s like the unknown, which can be so scary, overwhelming, daunting, IS known! It’s not known to me, but it IS known by God. It’s like it puts the ownership for all those scary unknowns on someone.
I don’t know, I may just be dense, but I never really thought of it that way before. Or understood it, or looked at it this way. This verse simply lays out what I’m responsible for – just the known that God has already given me. Which is PLENTY! But the rest, the “secrets” those are God’s. And they are in His safe keeping.
When I have a “secret surprise” for Caleb, I can parent him accordingly. If I know I’m taking him to Hardee’s in the morning to play on the slides with his friends I know to be sure to get him to bed on time so he can get a good night’s sleep and enjoy himself the next day. Or if I know Grammie bought him a special treat for dessert I can make sure he eats a good dinner so he doesn’t get a stomach ache. I know the secret, but he doesn’t. And because I know the secret, I can take care of him properly for that. He doesn’t know the secret, but can trust that I do. Then all he is responsible for is listening and obeying because that is the house rule.
That is a WAY over simplistic example, I know, but I hope it makes sense.
Right now there are A LOT of “secrets known only to God.” But I feel a small sense of peace knowing that at least SOMEONE has a clue what’s going on, and what WILL happen, because I sure don’t!!