Outta Nowhere!

I had such a good day on Wednesday!  Productive, encouraging…a lot of good things happened!  It’s the first time in a LONG, LONG time I really felt like I had a GOOD day!

Then Thursday hit!

Nothing significant happened!  Tim was even off of work so we got to spend time together as a family.  Those times are few and far between these days.

But yesterday and today I have just been really struggling.

Struggling with thoughts, emotions, memories, pain.

March 28, 2010 was our last meeting together as Veritas Church.  I think that has something to do with my funk.

After Tim confessed his affair he resigned as pastor.  That left me alone to lead the church.  AND deal with my husband having an affair.  AND take care of Caleb and try as hard as I could to shield him from everything going on.

Instead of trying to prepare messages myself we used video messages from LifeChurch.tv.  They were really good for where we were at the time.  But I knew we couldn’t use videos indefinitely.

I was SO looking forward to Easter.  Easter is a reminder of God’s TRIUMPH over death!  Jesus’ SACRIFICE so that we can be forgiven!  God’s indescribable LOVE for His creation.  Bringing LIFE back from the DEAD!

And I needed SO desperately all of those messages at the time.  I STILL do.

So I started working on a message for Easter.  Easter is a big day in the church calendar.  And I was NOT going to let this dark cloud change that for Veritas.  I was really looking forward to planning and teaching at our Easter service.

But that message would never be delivered.

Our church met together for the last time the Sunday before Easter.

It’s been almost a year now since I had to close down our sweet little church plant.  But the pain is still so raw.  I still feel so responsible.  I know in my head that TIM made the decision to have an affair.  I know that that decision had a lot to do with closing our church.  But I still feel responsible because I was also a pastor, leader of that church.

I should have known!  I should have seen SOMETHING!  I could have done something!

Shoulda….coulda….woulda….

Those words haunt me sometimes.

But you can’t go back.  I can’t change the past.  I can only live with the consequences.

And for me, today, that means I am sad.  I miss that church.  I miss those people.  I miss those relationships.  I miss that job.  I miss that adventure.  I miss what God was doing there.

It’s still hard for me to just GO to church.  It’s still really hard for me to venture out into “community”.  I’ve gotten used to being alone.  I’ve gotten used to protecting myself.  I don’t know how to let people in.  Trust them.  ENGAGE in community.

I’ve lost that skill.

I’ve lost the courage.

I’m fighting the thoughts.  The feelings.  The pain.

I have SO much to be thankful for!  I really do.  And I feel guilty for dwelling on the past and the losses when I have so many blessings in my life.  I wish I could remember THIS more!!

But today my heart aches.  It feels like a heavy, aching, weight inside my chest.  And I just want the aching to stop.

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3 thoughts on “Outta Nowhere!

  1. I’m sure you’ve probably hit on this in your counseling, but this post struck me as really huge. It sounds like you relate to this situation as both someone who was hurt and someone who caused hurt, feeling both pain and guilt. I think that’s sort of a catch-22 spot. Perhaps to deal with your own pain with the marriage struggle you shifted and took on an additional level of mental responsibility for the church things, so each facet of this (the personal marriage side and the church leadership side) keep you in pain about the other side.

    Hmm… might be completely off base, but something about this really struck me.

    • you’re not off base at all. i think you are right on. i never really looked at it that way before. good insight…..now how do i fix it o wise one?!?!?! 😉

  2. hm… I don’t know… why do you think you shifted things mentally? I would suspect there was something you were afraid of, and shifting some of the responsibility to something within your control/sphere of influence gave you a sense of power. But that’s really just a guess. If that resonates with you somehow, then I think you have to acknowledge the coping strategy you used and then encourage yourself to face the deeper fear (or if you’re not ready, to at least use your coping strategy a little more consciously). But I think the answer to the how will be quite dependent on the why. Be gentle with yourself. 🙂 I think you will know when it’s time to probe for the “why.”

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