I have been reading Cindy Beall’s blog pretty much since Tim’s affair came out. She is amazing. She and her husband are about 9 years (I think, forgive me if that’s wrong!) out from his confession of having affairs. He was also a pastor at the time. He also fathered a son with one of his mistresses (is that the right word??).
She has been gracious enough to answer my emails, and I love reading her blog and dreaming about where I hope Tim and I can be one day.
This post kinda makes my heart ache.
I look at these pictures of her and Chris. Today I l just stared intently at the pictures of her and Chris on vacation.
And I ache.
It’s crazy, I know, but I feel the hurt and pain from Tim’s affair and project it onto Chris.
I admit, it’s crazy and I probably need some medication!
I look at how happy they are now. I marvel at her blog posts and tweets about Chris, about how much she loves him, how wonderful and amazing he is.
I hate to admit it, but in my pursuit of being more honest , I will reluctantly admit that I feel like he doesn’t deserve her love and admiration. Look what he did to her….how could she love him like that again?
And, in more honesty, I feel like that about Tim sometimes too.
I know, it’s getting ugly here…..I won’t be surprised if I lose some readers!
But I think SO often, especially when those feelings creep up, about how I need to see Tim the way that God sees him, not through my human eyes. I remember this post often.
Because, in all honesty, I am NO better than Tim. I can’t let my pain and hurt feelings alter how I see him. I can hurt without seeing myself as better than he is. I NEED to!
So, in the meantime I force myself to look at pictures of Cindy and Chris and pray through those crummy feelings. I try to see their joy, their love, the miracle that God has performed in their lives.
And I try really, really, really hard to believe that maybe, just maybe, Tim and I can be that happy and in love someday. Because God really is big enough to change hearts, heal hurts, and transform us.
And that’s what we want!
****Side note: I am NOT stalking Chris and Cindy Beall!! 🙂 I don’t spend hours staring at their pictures. I don’t want this post to sound creepy! I hope you don’t take it that way! 😉