Sometimes I just stare

I have been reading Cindy Beall’s blog pretty much since Tim’s affair came out.  She is amazing.  She and her husband are about 9 years (I think, forgive me if that’s wrong!) out from his confession of having affairs.  He was also a pastor at the time.  He also fathered a son with one of his mistresses (is that the right word??).

She has been gracious enough to answer my emails, and I love reading her blog and dreaming about where I hope Tim and I can be one day.

This post kinda makes my heart ache.

I look at these pictures of her and Chris.  Today I l just stared intently at the pictures of her and Chris on vacation.

And I ache.

It’s crazy, I know, but I feel the hurt and pain from Tim’s affair and project it onto Chris.

I admit, it’s crazy and I probably need some medication!

I look at how happy they are now.  I marvel at her blog posts and tweets about Chris, about how much she loves him, how wonderful and amazing he is.

I hate to admit it, but in my pursuit of being more honest , I will reluctantly admit that I feel like he doesn’t deserve her love and admiration.  Look what he did to her….how could she love him like that again?

And, in more honesty, I feel like that about Tim sometimes too.

I know, it’s getting ugly here…..I won’t be surprised if I lose some readers!

But I think SO often, especially when those feelings creep up, about how I need to see Tim the way that God sees him, not through my human eyes.  I remember this post often.

Because, in all honesty, I am NO better than Tim.  I can’t let my pain and hurt feelings alter how I see him.  I can hurt without seeing myself as better than he is.  I NEED to!

So, in the meantime I force myself to look at pictures of Cindy and Chris and pray through those crummy feelings.  I try to see their joy, their love, the miracle that God has performed in their lives.

And I try really, really, really hard to believe that maybe, just maybe, Tim and I can be that happy and in love someday.  Because God really is big enough to change hearts, heal hurts, and transform us.

And that’s what we want!

****Side note:  I am NOT stalking Chris and Cindy Beall!!  🙂  I don’t spend hours staring at their pictures.  I don’t want this post to sound creepy!  I hope you don’t take it that way! 😉


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