Number 1 and Number 2

I feel like there are two of me living in this body.

One is hopeful.  She clings to God and knows the power He has to give.  She knows that God is capable to rebuilding this marriage.  She knows that He is not only able, but willing to heal her broken heart and make her whole again.  She knows that He loves her and is walking with her and carrying her through this time.

But there is another.

She is hopeless.  She feels nothing but pain and darkness.  She sees no light.  She doesn’t see how this is EVER going to get better.  She is broken and bleeding all over and doesn’t see any chance of healing to happen.  She knows that God is there but doesn’t have any hope that life will ever be good again.  Nothing makes her happy any more.  Nothing brings any joy.  She is exhausted and lost and sees no way out.

Both of these people live in me at the same time.  The second one lives most easily.  The first one has to claw and fight to be heard.  Sometimes she wins, even for a few days at a time.  But inevitably the second one knocks her out.

Number 2 gets so much ammunition.  There are things all around, triggers EVERYWHERE that bring up memories and emotions that just strengthen Number 2.

Number 1 has to work H A R D to be heard, to stay heard.  She has to fight against everything that is natural.  Her voice is hoarse and oftentimes weak.

No great lessons here.

It’s just where I am.

I wish I wasn’t, but it’s where I am.


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