It’s a power struggle

Power.

It’s something that has been on my mind and in my prayers a lot lately.  Last week I spoke at MSOE on 1 Peter 5.  One of the points that I saw in there was 1 Peter 5:8-9:

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.  Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

As I was preparing this message this section came to mind so many times.  I kept thinking about how so often I read that, or hear others read it or talk about that idea, and fear sets in.  It sends a shiver down our spine.  We feel we need to cower and always look over our shoulder because he is out to get us.  I see us Christians (me included!) give away our power.  We give it to satan.  We feel we can’t possibly stand up to him again.

And then we see verses 10-11 (emphasis mine):

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. All power to him forever! Amen.

I wish I was writing this post to spur you on.  To share how great it is to give the power to God and how much we can stomp satan’s face into the dirt and how I have been successful in doing that!

But that’s not what this post is about.

As much as I have been studying and learning that lesson to share it with those at MSOE, I have been being tested with it.

And these last several days I am failing.  MISERABLY!

I don’t handle failure well.

I have not been taking the power away from satan and giving it to God where it belongs.  I have not been taking the power away from Tim’s decision to have an affair.

I feel weak and hopeless and helpless.

I don’t know how to fully forgive and LET GO.  I have been reading about it.  I just don’t see how I can let go and not let it hurt me.  I know I won’t forget, that’s a given.  But I am supposed to be able to think of it as a fact in my past and therefore not let it have power over me, my emotions, and let it continue to hurt me.

But I don’t see how that is possible.

It still hurts. SO. bad.

I can’t ever get away from it.  EVERYTHING in my life points to his decision.  Everywhere I look it enters my thoughts.  I can’t even hear or read the state “Indiana” because that’s where she lives and it LITERALLY gives me a stomach ache.  Just typing that word put a nauseous knot in my stomach.

I know this is wrong.  I know I somehow need to take that power away.  I don’t want to live like this.  I can’t live like this.

I just don’t know how to let it go.

I know you can do something physical with it: write it on paper and throw it in a fire, write it on a rock and through it in the lake or bury it or something.  And usually those things are really my kinda thing.  But it’s just not cutting it this time.

I need to be able to let this go REGARDLESS of how Tim is treating me, or the choices he makes.

I need this pain to heal.

I know God can do it….I don’t know how to let Him.

I don’t know why I hang on to it when it just feels like a poison invading every vein.

I don’t know why I hang on to it.

I don’t know why it won’t leave me alone when I tell it to.

I don’t know why I can’t do what is right.

Why can’t I feel/let God restore, support, and strengthen you, and place me on a firm foundation?

It’s a power struggle and I’m losing.  Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I’m giving the power to the wrong side.

I just don’t know how to fight it.  I’m tired.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “It’s a power struggle

  1. Thanks for your honesty. I’m praying for you. Please let me know if there is any way I can support you (listening, praying, etc.).

  2. oh my goodness, i GET this. in fact, your last several posts all resonate with me so much. i still have a hard time saying the other woman’s name, which sucks because it’s a common name. my friends who share that name? yeah… hard for me to call them that anymore. i’m the same with even her home state — just like you are. makes me feel so ridiculous. but i know it just shows healing that still needs to come to my heart.

    and like you, i’m too tired to fight…

    praying for you today.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s