We are attending Brew City Church. The pastors and their wives are amazing people. It’s still hard for me to go to church sometimes. I miss Veritas. I miss the people, the “job” I got to do, the life we had with that church….but that is not what I want to write about.
Randy, one of the pastors, asked if we were share our story with the church. Our story of the affair and what God is doing.
I knew the right answer was yes. But I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want people to look at me and know that Tim did this. I didn’t want people to look at him and know that he was with another woman. I still feel so much embarrassment, shame, guilt…..
But after some thinking and praying I reluctantly said yes.
I saw the “joy” on Randy’s face when I said yes. The “excitement” he had at our agreeance to share this. His desire to share this with the church and hopes that it will teach and grow people through our story of what God is and has done.
And it felt SO wierd to be on THIS side of that conversation.
I remember so many times asking people to share at church and they had the same fear, reservations, reluctance to do so as I feel now. And, like Randy, I wanted so badly for them to do it. In Randy’s shoes I saw what could come of this person sharing something so beautiful but so painful for them. I saw all the positives. And I wanted them to push through the pain and do it anyway because I could see the “greater good” that could happen through them sharing – both in their life and in the life of the church.
But being on this side of it sucks!
We are meeting with Randy this week to talk about how to share this, what to share, etc.
And I am TERRIFIED! I am actually dreading talking to him. I would love to just call up and cancel. Forget the whole thing. Stay silent.
But I know that is not the best thing.
It is better for us to share this. It is better for us to bring glory to God and what He has done than to keep it quiet. It is better to follow this open door.
From the beginning of this whole mess I have prayed that God would use it. That He would be glorified. That He would use me and Tim and all that we’ve been through. Because I couldn’t go on, I couldn’t face the day if I didn’t believe that something good would come out of all this pain. I had to believe that it had a purpose so that I could go on with life.
But I didn’t expect fulfilling that purpose to be quite so scary and painful.
I feel like a schizo sometimes.
I want to use this to glorify God….but I don’t want to be known as “that couple who survived an affair” or “those pastors who had to close their church because he cheated on her”.
But at the same time, that may be a platform I/we have to do what God calls us to do.
Knowing that sharing this with people brings God glory and could possibly help someone else doesn’t make the pain go away. I think I thought it would. That by the time we started talking about this it wouldn’t hurt anymore. But I think it will always hurt. Not as bad…but how could this possibly not sting at all one day?
I think I take breaks from thinking about it. And I’ve been on a long break recently of not facing it. Not believing that Tim had an affair. Not facing the feelings and feeling them. It’s easier to push them aside and busy myself with other things. Good things. But distractions nonetheless.
And this is forcing me to look at them. Feel them. Acknowledge that they are there. Stop pushing them aside dealing with them “later”.
Later is now.
But I don’t know if I’m ready.
I don’t know how to do this.