A letter to “Her”

I’ve thought a lot over the last almost year and a half (at different moments) what I would write to the woman Tim had an affair with if I did send her an email.

The content changes a lot.  On my “bad” days it has more anger in it.  On my “better” days it has more grace in it.

But it’s always for the point of sharing God with her.  As far as I can tell from what Tim has said is that she does not follow God with her life.  At least she didn’t then.  And, really, I do want that for her.

Dear _______________,

It’s hard to write you.  You represent a lot of pain in my life.  

I don’t blame you alone.  Tim made the choices he did to leave our marriage for a time.  If I’m really honest, I get very angry at you sometimes.

Your and Tim’s choices have forever changed my life and the life of my family.  I wish you had never met my husband.  I wish you hadn’t made the choices you made.  I wish you would have tried to work things out with YOUR husband and not MY husband.  I wish….

But wishes don’t change anything.  You and Tim made the choices you did.

But, honestly, what really breaks my heart the most is that Tim did not give you anywhere near an accurate picture of God and His intense love for you.  Tim’s choices did not reflect the God we serve.  And I am so sorry for that.  So sorry.

I want you to know that God NEVER meant for you to be used like that.  God loves you more than I could ever put into words.  He doesn’t care what you have done.  He doesn’t care who you have had sex with.  He doesn’t care what choices you have made.  He loves you unconditionally.  He wants for you a life filled with joy, wholeness, forgiveness, purity, grace, mercy, hope and so much more.

I don’t know your story.  Based on some of the decisions you have made I’m guessing you have been hurt deeply in the past.  I’ve made some of my decisions out of the pain and hurt from my past, anyway.  God wants to heal you.  He wants to heal those past wounds.  He wants to fill you up so you don’t have to look for love elsewhere.  He wants to give you freedom from the guilt you feel.  He wants to love you, guide you, be your loving Father.

He wants it so bad He died, He gave His own life just for YOU.  He suffered betrayal (as I’m sure you have felt), loneliness, excruciating physical pain because of His love for you.  Not to guilt you into following Him, but to show you how serious He is about YOU.  YOU.  He knew who you would be, what you would do, how you would be hurt and how you would hurt others, and said “it doesn’t matter!  She is MINE!  She is MY precious daughter and I will do whatever it takes to show her my love and have a relationship with her.”

I wish that Tim would not have tarnished your view of God, church, pastors, etc.  But please know he is broken too.  None of us are perfect.  We all act out of our dysfunction, our past hurts, our brokenness.  And he was wrong to use you the way he did.  I wish so badly he didn’t give you the example he did.  It makes me angry he did that to you.

But I want you to know, and believe, THAT is NOT how God sees you.  Pastors are just human.  God is SO much more.  

I pray that you find God.  That He whispers to you and you hear His voice.  It may hurt sometimes.  Accepting love, grace and forgiveness can be very hard to accept.  I know that!  But I pray you do accept it.  I pray that you live to get to know this God who is chasing after you.  I pray that you and your husband can have a whole, loving, honest, fulfilling marriage.  I pray that your child knows God and lives a life seeking and honoring Him.  

Your life doesn’t have to follow the path it was on.  Please, let God change that for you.  Let Him heal you, let Him love you, let Him lead you.  Let Him give you a life better than you could have ever dreamed.  

God is the only reason I am still here.  He is the only reason I have the strength, compassion, love to write you this letter.  He is the only reason I am able to stay married to Tim and work this out and keep my family together.  NONE of this is out MY ability.  NONE of it is EASY!  But it’s WORTH it.  

I still have SO much to work though.  When I think of you it hurts…a lot.  But, deep down, I really, truly, honestly want what I have for you.  I want you to have a relationship with God, to let Him love you, heal you, fulfill you.  Let yourself be his precious beloved.