It’s been quite a busy couple weeks around here.  We went away for Memorial Day weekend, then home just long enough to do a couple loads of laundry and re-pack for a trip to South Carolina for a wedding.

While in South Carolina I was feeling funny…..I think a woman knows her body a little bit more after one pregnancy.  I took a pregnancy test the day before our 12th wedding anniversary and it was positive!

We were SO excited!  For me, at times, there are certainly some mixed feelings.  Getting pregnant brings up a lot of emotions, memories, feelings about the affair.

One one hand I feel like it’s a step forward in healing.  We are not going to let this totally destroy and derail our lives.  We are going to move forward.  We have something to look forward to, something to work together toward.

On the other hand, it seems to be bringing up so much from the affair.  I don’t want to go into all of it….I’m a little emotional these days!  But it’s like the good feelings are really good, and the bad are really bad.

And now, as I write this, I am just over 5 weeks and am wondering if I am miscarrying.  I had some blood work done on Friday and have to get some more done on Monday.  At that time we should, hopefully, have an idea if this sweet baby is going to stick around.

This has been a REALLY hard weekend.  I HATE waiting.

And, I’ll be honest, I was really angry at God.  I hate to say it, but I felt like, “REALLY!?!? Have I not been through enough? Can I just have SOMETHING good not taken from me?  I was so stupid to think I could have something good!”

Gives you warm fuzzies doesn’t it? Nice little Christian girl, huh???

Fortunately I’ve worked past most of that anger today.  I’m trying really hard to trust again.  Trust that God will do what is BEST.  Praying that God will help me deal with whatever His best is.

I have a lot of moments where I just really don’t think I can handle losing this baby.  I just don’t feel like I can be strong enough to handle that right now.

But what choice do I have?

I’m trying to stay positive.  I’m trying to stay focused on God’s character, who He is, trust Him.

And, thanks to a reminder from a friend, pray for OTHERS and not obsess about me and my situation.  There are plenty of loved ones I can pray for.

But Monday cannot get here soon enough for me!!!


3 thoughts on “Baby….MAYBE….

  1. Hugs! Monday will come as soon as it comes, and until then you are still pregnant. And hopefully will be after that, too.

    I had all those same thoughts, including the one about not being able to handle it if I lost Mara. I literally thought I might die if I lost her – that the pain and grief would be too much to bear – or worse, that I would get too depressed and would do something to hurt myself. But they weren’t. And I wouldn’t trade those 3 months with her to avoid the pain of losing her early. She changed my life in such a special way, and I’m so happy I have her to look forward to in Heaven.

    I hope you get to have this baby for many, many more days!

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