I was getting my blood drawn to check my hormone levels every 2 days for about a week and a half. The numbers needed to double each time in order for us to know little bean was still in there. They DID double each time! The last time they MORE than doubled!!
I could not be HAPPIER!! It was SUCH a relief to hear those last numbers more than doubled. I get to go to the doctor on Wednesday and I have requested an ultrasound to make sure everything is ok with this little one so far.
This whole experience has rocked me in many ways. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written yet. I don’t even feel like I’ve really processed all of it.
One of the things that I was struck with was where my relationship with God has fallen to. This showed me how much I have drifted away from Him. From Him being my source of strength. The amount of worry I had during this was so huge!
And, honestly, I’m not even sure I’m being totally fair to myself or not. I mean, does God expect me not to worry AT ALL when going through something like this? Matthew says not to worry about anything….but wondering if I’m losing this precious life? Am I REALLY supposed to not worry about that at all?? I honestly don’t know. But that is the standard I hold myself to. I just don’t know if that is fair.
However, that being said, I realized I have just drifted.
I don’t worship God like I was. And I don’t mean musically. I mean simply being thankful, finding God and His glory all around me. Being thankful for who He is.
I don’t read or crave reading the Bible. I’m not taking anything in. So, what’s coming out, it ain’t pretty!
Again, I don’t know how hard on myself I should be. Hormones, stress, hormones, an almost 4 year old, hormones….it’s a dangerous mixture! And, unfortunately, those closest to me are suffering. I’m trying SO hard to keep it under control…but….geeeeez…did I mention HORMONES!?!?!?!?
And the worry hasn’t gone away completely. I don’t know if does while you’re pregnant. In the back of my mind I have this nagging reminder that something could go wrong at any moment. There is no “guarantee” until that baby is healthy and safely in my arms breathing with 10 fingers and toes.
But God has been reminding me that life is HIS creation. And I’m still really trying to pray that He would simply help me deal with whatever He deems BEST. I know that He loves me and wants the best for me AND this little life. I just need Him, so badly, to give me what I need to deal with whatever path that is.
I figured if I posted this on my blog, it would help keep me accountable to getting my butt back in gear and stop slacking off! 😉
In the meantime, I’m trying to enjoy being pregnant and this AMAZING creation experience that I get to be a part of. And trying to be happy, despite the worries. I don’t want to miss what God has for us in this!