Ultrasounds and Reevaluating

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to finally write all this out, but it’s been a week full of ups, downs, emotions, exhaustion, and general craziness.

Wednesday, June 22 we had our first ultrasound.  At that time we expected to see our tiny little “grain of rice” baby which would have put our fears from the previous couple weeks at ease.  I had been getting my hormone levels checked every two days because of concerns with the pregnancy. So, the ultrasound was supposed to just “confirm” everything was ok.

Well, the ultrasound did not do that.  We could only find a sac, but no baby.  That was alarming, but not a definite issue yet. It was possible that the pregnancy was just earlier than we thought….OR that there was a problem with the baby. The doctor had me get my hormone levels checked every two days again to make sure things were progressing.

One of my hormone levels came back fine.  The next one did not.  My levels are supposed to double every two days.  The second one did not double.  It went up, but did not double.

I got that news on Sunday, June 26 in the afternoon.

I lost it.  I mean, totally lost it!

The not great ultrasound coupled with my levels not going up enough and the earlier complications….it seemed like it was 99% sure we were losing the baby.

My doctor scheduled me for a more thorough ultrasound on Tuesday, June 28.  For two days we mourned the loss of this baby.  There just wasn’t much hope at all that the baby was still there.  And the doctor really didn’t refute that.

I have to admit, I was shocked at my downward spiral.  I thought I was stronger than that.  I thought my faith was stronger than that.  I thought my relationship with God was in a place that I wouldn’t have questioned Him SO deeply when we heard this news.

I hate to admit it, but I felt like I “deserved” this baby.  Like I have done enough, endured enough, worked hard enough to “earn” this.  That this baby would be a little bit of a reward for all we’ve worked through after the affair.

So, to see it being taken from me.  To have to endure another significant loss….inexplainable!  Unfathomable!  This just couldn’t be happening!  HOW IN THE WORLD could God POSSIBLY do this to me too??

Ya, there were moments that were pretty ugly!  Those hours on Sunday afternoon were not good.  I came to my senses a little bit in the next two days…but Sunday?  NOT a good day!

It just showed me how much I have drifted in my relationship with God.  UGH I HATE THAT!!!!

I have let that connection we had dwindle.  I saw such a lack of trust on my part that He loved me, knew what was BEST for me and would carry me through anything.  How could I lose all that?

It’s easy….all too easy I’m afraid.  ALL. TOO. EASY!

So, Tuesday came and we went to our ultrasound appointment to confirm a miscarriage.  We were very sombre.  I cried a few times while waiting.  The waiting seemed to be FOREVER!  We prayed.  It was very quiet.

We finally got to the ultrasound and saw this:

I know it's grainy and poor quality but yes, you are reading it right! It says BABY!!

 I lost it again!  We were FLABBERGASTED!!!  How was this possible???

We saw and heard the most wonderful heartbeat ever!!

The relief was indescribable!

I still have fears.  It’s hard to not have any fears when you’re pregnant…especially in the first trimester.  But I’m trying really hard to remember that this baby is God’s first.  He is only loaning this precious life to me.  I still cling to it pretty tightly, as I do Caleb.  But I don’t want to worry away this pregnancy.  I don’t want it to be filled with stress and fear.

But I sure will be happy when 12 weeks gets here.  That’s 4 weeks and 2 days away.  And then I will have fears until I get to hold that precious little healthy baby in my arms…..but in the meantime I’m working on not worrying quite so much!

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5 thoughts on “Ultrasounds and Reevaluating

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart Vicky. That must have been a really hard week. Make sure you’re not harder on yourself about your “losing it”. I don’t personally think that experiencing extreme human emotion = lack of faith. I admire your desire to be closer to God, to realize every child is a gift from Him and to try and worry less. But I have personally found that my faith falters MORE when I deny my true feelings. I don’t think casting all our cares on Him means that we have to clean ourselves up first. I don’t think bringing everything to God means everything but when we are losing it from grief. I have gone through the grief of losing a baby in utero, and the ability to lose it and know that God stood right next to me while I sobbed and pounded the floor and asked, “WHY???” is actually what kept me going and enabled me to pick myself back up and turn to Him for help in moving forward.

    • thanks summer! you’re right. i tend to be a smidge hard on myself and expect perfection. i think i just thought i was at a different place or would have reacted differently. but then again, maybe we react much the same at first when dark times come regardless of our relationship with God….the difference is in where we go from there. i don’t know. still sorting that all out. thank you for the encouragement. i am SO sorry you had to experience losing a baby! i’m thankful God has blessed you with such a lovely family!! 🙂

  2. I am so thankful that everything with the baby is fine. And although I’ve never walked this road, you are only human and were experiencing human emotions when you thought otherwise. God knows and understands your heart, and He still loves you. May He wrap you up in His peaceful arms tonight!

  3. Pingback: Ultrasound: full of beauty and pain « this and that and then some

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