How deep does it go?

There are still things about Tim’s affair that hit me so hard I get shaken out of reality for a split second when I think about them.

One that actually can stop me from breathing for a moment is when I think about the fact that what Tim chose to give “her” can NEVER, EVER be taken back.  It is gone forever.

I will NEVER be Tim’s one and only.  He chose to give “her” one of his most precious gifts that was supposed to be ONLY for me when he decided to have sex with “her”.

Growing up in church we didn’t talk about sex much except to say “don’t do it!!!”.  When Tim and I were youth pastors we decided to have a more honest, candid approach.  It’s not that we talked about it all the time, but we wanted kids to be able to hear about it from a Biblical point of view and be able to ask the awkward questions.  So they didn’t have to try to figure things out on their own and not know what the Bible really does have to say about sex.

The irony of that still haunts me.  But I digress…..

One of the things that I was taught growing up, and that we in turn taught our kids, was that when you have sex with someone you basically give them a piece of you.  Not physically of course (although I guess we do do that physically also).  When you have sex with someone you are forever joined with them because of that being such an intimate act.  Also, that whoever you have sex with comes with you for the rest of your life.  They will always “be in bed” with you in the future.

So, right or wrong, that is what I have been taught and have believed.  And, if all that was true when we taught it to our students, then it is ALSO true for Tim and I right now.

Do you see where I’m going here?

What Tim chose to do cannot ever be undone.  He is forever joined with “her” in a way.  “She” is with us forever.  If Tim and I stay married then “she” will be in our relationship forever because of what Tim chose to share with “her”.

I was thinking about this today and getting sick to my stomach, feeling my heart race and finding it hard to breathe…as always happens when I actually allow myself to try to wrap my head around this.

I finally decided to pray.

I asked God if it was REALLY true that He could redeem this.  Other couples who have been down this road and survived, and are thriving, have had to deal with these same truths.

Can God really, truly, honestly make Tim pure again?  Can He really make our relationship pure again, forevermore?  Can God somehow work through and past this and redeem what has been thrown away?

We, also, always taught that no matter what you have done sexually (or otherwise of course) God can purify you.  He can see you as pure and holy because of Jesus’ blood and because of His love, grace, and forgiveness.  You can have a pure relationship again, but there will always be consequences for your actions.

Do I really believe that for US now?  How deep does that belief go?

I felt like God was asking me that question.  I HATE when He tries to answer my question with a question!

In my HEAD I felt myself answer right away “YES! Of course You have the power to do that.  You can restore anything.  You can make anything new.  You can redeem everything.  There is NOTHING outside of your power!”

But my heart was not so quick to answer.  I know the difference between the two.

And I felt God asking me if I REALLY, HONESTLY believed that.

I don’t know.

I want to say yes.  No doubt!  YES!

But I don’t live that way.  I’m having a hard time believing that to my core.  I’m having a hard time believing in the deepest recesses of my heart that God really can and will redeem this horrible, awful, heart stopping, breath halting pain that comes when I realize what has been done.

All I could do was ask God to give me the strength to believe.  To, please, find some crack me to pour some hope into and help it to grow.  Help me to trust His goodness, His grace, His love.

Cuz I just can’t do it on my own.


2 thoughts on “How deep does it go?

  1. Praying for you today my friend, believing that God will give you the strength to trust and hope again. And Yes, although I have not walked your road, I see and hear many testimonies of the amazing redemptive power of God. He is working. Praying He will make your heart whole again.

  2. Hey there.. I just decided to stop by after awhile and was reading some of your posts and wanted to say I’m so so sorry that you’re struggling so much right now. Remember a couple of things, one is that you are pregnant and our hormones totally affect how we think. Our emotions are not predictable, but God is. What can feel so horrible and overwhelming right now will not always feel that way. Hold onto that. I’m not minimizing anything at all. I tell myself the same things when something feels overwhelming and like I can’t do it anymore, I know that my emotions and reactions will not always be the same. God will heal this hole and one day this will not be so front and present in your mind. I know it can’t be completely erased, but it won’t feel so present. Don’t give it life, if you can try not to. Oh.. I need to find your personal email this is getting too long.

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