You hear all the time how when you bring your deep, dark secrets into the the light, they lose their power. The strength, the hold they have is drastically weakened.
If only Tim would have done that years ago. All that we could have avoided. The pain that could have NOT been part of our lives. But, I digress and, again, not the point of this post.
I have to confess.
I think I have had a forgiveness relapse. I worked so hard to try to forgive Tim, “her”, God (not that God needs forgiveness, but you know what I mean). I feel like I have relapsed on that.
I have a lot of anger again. There have been more consequences from Tim’s choices that have popped up in our lives. Each time there is another consequence, I lose some ground in this process. I’m angry at Tim for what he did, how he did it. I still want to know why. But I will never understand why. It just won’t happen.
I have A LOT of anger toward “her”. I re-read this post and am ashamed at how far I’ve fallen from this place. I hate her. I wish she was never born. I want her to be in pain. I want her to suffer. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but I have to admit it. I have to bring it into the light. Because when I keep it hidden it just grows roots and causes more bitterness. And I can’t afford to live a bitter life.
I don’t want to live like this. I want to forgive. I don’t want to let this pain, this bitterness, these chains to tie me down.
I want a better life.
I want the life God wants to give me.
I need what He has for me.
But somehow I have to figure out how to let go of this. I have to forgive again.
And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
Every moment of every day.
I can’t let up.
But that is so exhausting. It’s just so. much. work.
So there. I brought my gross, dirty, horrible thoughts and feelings out into the light. I don’t want them to have power anymore. It can get pretty ugly in there. But now it’s out in the light.
Loosen your claws anger and hatred! You’re not welcome here anymore!