Bringing it into the light

I think I’ve been having a relapse.  There are a lot of reasons this could be happening, but they are not important.  At least not for this post.

You hear all the time how when you bring your deep, dark secrets into the the light, they lose their power.  The strength, the hold they have is drastically weakened.

If only Tim would have done that years ago.  All that we could have avoided.  The pain that could have NOT been part of our lives.  But, I digress and, again, not the point of this post.

I have to confess.

I think I have had a forgiveness relapse.  I worked so hard to try to forgive Tim, “her”, God (not that God needs forgiveness, but you know what I mean).  I feel like I have relapsed on that.

I have a lot of anger again.  There have been more consequences from Tim’s choices that have popped up in our lives.  Each time there is another consequence, I lose some ground in this process.  I’m angry at Tim for what he did, how he did it.  I still want to know why.  But I will never understand why.  It just won’t happen.

I have A LOT of anger toward “her”.  I re-read this post and am ashamed at how far I’ve fallen from this place.  I hate her.  I wish she was never born.  I want her to be in pain.  I want her to suffer.  I’m so embarrassed and ashamed to admit that, but I have to admit it.  I have to bring it into the light.  Because when I keep it hidden it just grows roots and causes more bitterness.  And I can’t afford to live a bitter life.

I don’t want to live like this.  I want to forgive.  I don’t want to let this pain, this bitterness, these chains to tie me down.

I want a better life.

I want the life God wants to give me.

I need what He has for me.

But somehow I have to figure out how to let go of this.  I have to forgive again.

And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And again.

Every moment of every day.

I can’t let up.

But that is so exhausting.  It’s just so. much. work.

So there.  I brought my gross, dirty, horrible thoughts and feelings out into the light.  I don’t want them to have power anymore.  It can get pretty ugly in there.  But now it’s out in the light.

Loosen your claws anger and hatred!  You’re not welcome here anymore!

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Bringing it into the light

  1. Have you noticed that it is the same thing over and over and over again? That is because your enemy really has no power, no authority, and no ability to create. He can only do the same thing over and over again, until you expose another area of your old Vicky and he probes that for a while because it is familiar with it.

    Continue to expose your old Vicky under the covering of Jesus and accept His healing with every thought, word, and deed. That way the enemy can not find anything familiar in you.

    I don’t know what you have been going through but I know the dangers of tough times in life. I also know the blessing of these times in learning to be more like Christ. Don’t get caught up in the religious guilt the enemy tries to beat you down with, just accept that you are now a Child of God and are privy to hand out the same forgiveness Jesus died to give you.

    You are right; anger and hatred have no place in you.

    Dave
    http://dadtalk.wordpress.com

  2. Oh Vicky, my heart is breaking for you this morning. I hate that you are walking this journey. But I know that God is with you. And I know that He will give you the power to forgive. He already knew what was in your heart, but when you confess it back to Him, it truly moves Him. Praying for you today my friend.

  3. Pingback: Grace, even for enemies « this and that and then some

  4. Vicky,, while I understand what you are going through because I’ve been there, you have got to let it go. You say you have forgiven Tim and if that’s true you have to forget,which is the hard part. But by watching TV shows like Dr Phil where they just wallow in their self pity, and movies etc. you are just constantly picking at the scab and not letting the wound heal. Stop thinking about it daily and focus on the good part of your life like your son and the baby coming. Focus on what the Lord has given you. Take your son for a walk on these glorious days or play ball with him. Don’t just sit in front of the TV and watch all that Satan has provided. You can be critical of the old time religion, but praise the Lord it still stands. Because the Holy Spirit is there. Someone once told me the best revenge is to win. While as Christians we don’t want to be vengeful, we do want to heal. So get out there and let it all go and get on with your life . YOU WIN!!!!!!

  5. Pingback: Self discovery and vulnerability « this and that and then some

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s