Yup, nice light topics! No wonder I haven’t been sleeping well! (Well, it could also be having to get up four times a night to pee because of this sweet little baby kickboxing my bladder while I try to sleep….ya know, maybe!)
In my last post I confessed my unforgiveness and my relapse as of late. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth.
Why do we, as humans, think that forgiveness is earned? Why do we want people to have to pay for us to forgive them? How does that match up with Romans 5:8 – But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.
I didn’t get all cleaned up and figure out how to never sin again….and THEN Jesus died for me. No. He died for me BECAUSE He knew I would sin. I would hold on to anger, I would not extend forgiveness to those around me, I would gossip, I would judge…..the list goes on.
And Jesus died KNOWING FULL WELL that Tim would have an affair as a pastor. And that she would be involved. (I would like to acknowledge her personhood by giving her name, but I don’t think that would be right so as to protect her privacy.)
He though of her too while He was dying.
It’s easy to go to church and sing the songs on Sunday mornings about God’s grace and love and think about ourselves. And maybe even believe we DESERVE that grace and love we are singing about because, after all, we are in church! So that means we are good enough, right?
But I’ve been struck while singing those songs, and listening to music, and reading verses in the Bible….that those words absolutely, 100%, completely apply to her too!
Those same words that I take comfort in, God uses to offer her comfort too. He wants to offer her hope, grace forgiveness, love, a future. It’s her choice what to do with that offer, but He is offering it.
And, as far as Tim, withholding forgiveness and grace from him only hurts us. It hurts me. It’s not “teaching” him anything. It’s not aiding in our healing. It’s not going to “help him to not do this again”. It does nothing but destroy.
He can’t earn it. I have to give it. Of my own CHOICE. It’s not a feeling. It’s a CHOICE.
I don’t have a nice little bow to put on this post today. This is just what I’m wrestling with. Wrestling so hard it’s exhausting me.
It’s in my head, but my heart is resisting learning the lesson. So, in the meantime, my head and my heart wrestle. There are bruises in the process. But I believe one day soon my head will win and my heart will give in to what it knows is right and true.
But, today, we wrestle.