Not one bit.
This post is not so much a lament (although, I suppose it is a bit) as a journey marker. So, please, I’m not trying to sadden you. But, if one day I get some vision again, I don’t want to forget this journey. Because I’m guessing I will run into someone else in life who feels this way.
I’ve just always had a direction. A vision for something bigger than me in life. It was generally ministry of some kind. And I was happy with that!
I actually didn’t want to work in ministry my whole life. I started going to college to become a psychologist. I wanted to go all the way and get my doctorate, have my own practice, help lots of people (mainly kids) and make a good, comfortable salary. Along the way I thought I would probably get married and maybe have children….but really, I was pretty focused on a career.
Then, in my second year of college, I changed my major to Youth Studies. It basically prepares you to be a youth pastor, but we couldn’t call it that or else the government wouldn’t allow anyone with that major to get financial aid. So, it was called “Youth Studies”.
I was part of the choir and drama team in college and came ALIVE while performing! I loved it! Then, after any performance we had the opportunity to talk and pray with the people who were in the audience. That was pretty much as awesome as performing! I loved hearing what God had shared with them through our songs and stories. I loved listening to them. Praying with them. Learning from them.
I was just a young punk college kid! Who was I to talk to anyone about God and His life lessons??? But I got to. And it was amazing.
After college Tim and I and a friend tried to start a group who provided speaking, music and drama for camps, retreats, schools, etc. We had some pretty amazing experiences with that, but it didn’t last very long.
Tim and I have been volunteers with youth groups, lighting for a high production church, speakers, actors, writers, I’ve done graphic design, counselors, Tim has played a few instruments for worship teams, and of course pastors (and all the jobs that come with starting a church).
There’s always been SOME vision, some direction for what we were to do. Of course, the path was often VERY blurry….I’m not saying we knew each step or where exactly they would end up. And I’m not expecting to have all the steps laid out for me now (although it would be kinda nice!). But we at least knew some direction to go. We had something God had shown us to work toward.
Have you ever felt like that?
That is totally gone for me now. I have no direction. No vision. And I feel like I’m going very grey inside.
I like color. No, I LOVE colors! Doing graphic design, I spend a lot of time thinking about colors and noticing them.
My life used to be filled with color.
Now it just feels grey. And dreary. With no image. No picture. No path. No nothing.
Everyday is just the same. Nothing changes. There is no excitement. It’s just getting by. There is no passion.
I miss passion.
I miss a lot of things.
But I really miss living with passion.
But you know what else sucks? I have no idea what I even want to be doing! If a church came to me and said, “Hey, we’d love to hire you. Right now. What job would you like?”
I would be stuck!
Do I want to work with the arts? Do I want to work with students? Do I want to be in a pastoral role?
I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.
I just know I want to do something, but I don’t know what.
And I’m also very afraid. Afraid I will never be able to go back. Afraid that I am done in ministry. Scared that that even bothers me. Afraid I will never feel that “alive” again. Afraid I will always be looking back at what I had and not fully embracing what God has given me now.
I feel like I’m just now having to answer the question AGAIN “What do you want to do when you grow up?” Except that I’m already grown up. And I don’t know how to answer it.
Am I having a mid-life crisis??? Cuz I was hoping 34 wasn’t going to be the middle of my life! 😉