And it really is a BEAUTIFUL season! The colors, the smells, the colors, the apple cider (and apple pies, muffins, breads, cobblers, whatever else you can put yummy apples in!), the colors, the crisp air, did I mention the colors???
But fall is such a hard time for me. “Hard” is such a dumb word to use. It just doesn’t describe it right.
All of the above?
Two years ago this time of year is when Tim started his affair. I had no idea at the time it was going on. I was blind. I was trusting. I never dreamed in a million years it could happen. Much less, right under my nose.
I know the dates they were together. I know what they did. I know this time of year is when it all started. And it went through the holidays. The holidays which were my most joyous, wonderful, looked-forward-to times of year.
The fall is tarnished. It brings a deep sadness with all the beauty and festivity.
I know one day it won’t be so heavy. I know one day this dark cloud will only be a memory that can’t reach its sharp tentacles deep into my heart. I know one day I will be able to look at the colors and just see them for what they are: God’s amazing color palette that He so lovingly paints for us to simply enjoy.
But not this year. Not yet.
This year is better than last year. And I imagine I will say that same thing next year, with God’s mighty help.
But this year there are still so many difficult consequences we are living with each day. So many painful memories. So many things to miss. So much work yet to be done, and no time to do it in.
(And don’t forget the lovely pregnancy hormones adding to the mix!)
I’m really trying to replace the sad thoughts with prayers. Asking God to help me forgive again, in that moment of pain. Asking God to give me hope when it’s hard to see any. Asking God to restore Tim, to guide him, to give him hope, to let him see himself the way that God sees him. Asking God to help me through another moment. To help me stop giving “her” space in my head. Prayers for strength, peace, hope, joy. PRAISE for a healthy, beautiful, miraculous baby girl I get to feel bump my insides every now and then.
But it’s an exhausting battle, let me tell ya! EXHAUSTING! It’s a constant battle. So many momentary, bloody brawls in my head and heart.
One day the colors will be vibrant and pure again. One day the smells with be delicious and lovely.
Today, it is a little better than last year. Next year, hopefully I will say the same thing.