I know most people see Sweetest Day as a “Hallmark Holiday”. A lot even refuse to acknowledge it at all!
Me? I’m a hopeless romantic! I will take ANY excuse for a special, romantic day to celebrate love, flowers, rainbows and little naked flying cherubs!
Tim? Well, not as much. He used to be really romantic….like SUPER romantic! It’s one of the things that made me fall for him! But, life happens. And romance gets harder and harder to come by.
As I’ve said before, this season is hard for me. It sucks. It’s the season that Tim had his affair. But, that was two years ago now, so I’m working really hard to NOT let THAT season define all autumns for the rest of time. That’s not the God I serve….and I’m working on remembering and living that.
When Tim first confessed his affair to me I didn’t want ANYTHING around to remind me of our wedding. I felt like the photos reminded me of the huge promise that was broken. Of the fool I had been. Of the happier days that felt like distant dream. I couldn’t handle seeing them.
Some people rip up photos with pictures of people in them who have hurt them deeply. Sometimes they cut faces out. Rip them in half. Burn them. Do whatever they feel in moment will cleanse them of the memories and cut that person out of their history.
Fortunately I didn’t do that. One counselor told us that he could see that was God, even in those VERY FIRST most painful moments, protecting me, us, and preparing us to stay together and work this out.
So, I turned all the pictures down. I laid them all down so I wouldn’t have to look at them.
There is a ledge as you walk up the stairs in our house and that is where I put a lot of photos. That ledge has had those pictures turned down for almost 21 months now. I just left them like that. And I let the dust pile up on them. I didn’t want to touch them. I didn’t want to look at any of them. I didn’t want to acknowledge them.
This has bothered Tim. He never would talk about it with me and tell me what he was thinking about it or what it communicated to him. It would just come out every once in a while.
So, I decided, for Sweetest Day, to give him this gift.
It was hard. UGH! A lot of tears. A lot of tearful short prayers. There are still a lot of feelings connected with those photos. I miss those happy days. I miss being naive and not knowing what Tim had been doing. I miss a life before an affair.
But at the same time, I can’t eve describe the cleansing and freeing I felt after those pictures were dusted off and set up.
One more thing I had conquered. God and I had conquered together.
I can’t avoid the images. Or the pain. And facing it head on is healthier.
And this makes Tim happier. It was a gift I could give him. It was a sacrifice I made for him to be a little happier. Having those pictures face down didn’t have to bother him anymore.
It was a big deal for me. (Not quite as big of a deal for Tim as I had imagined it would be, but, ya know…. refer to the “romance comments” above! 😉
Just trying to keep building on good choices. There are plenty of defeats in my head and heart throughout the day…..but this one, this one was a WIN for me and God…and Tim!