The only “exposure” I’ve had to Children’s Hospital is stories Tim tells me of his experiences there when he had cancer as a 13 year old. Those stories are awesome to hear now because he beat cancer. He survived. He is living today. And he certainly feels a connection with any Children’s Hospital.
But tonight I’m having a hard time getting to sleep. I want to hear what the doctor has to say tomorrow so I know what we’re dealing with…..but I don’t want to hear what the doctor has to say because I don’t want to know what we’re dealing with.
I keep thinking of about 20ish weeks ago when we were waiting for our ultrasound at a radiology clinic to “confirm” that our little girl was gone. My OB didn’t see that little grain of rice on the ultrasound like she was supposed to, and my hormone levels were concerning, so we had to get a more sophisticated ultrasound. I remember crying in the waiting room, unable to hold back the tears because I knew when we walked into that room there was a high probability that we would not see our little baby.
But God gave us a miracle. There was a sweet, tiny little heartbeat on that screen! I started bawling again! God let us keep our little girl!
And now, tomorrow, we are going to be staring at that little heart again. Waiting for the doctor to tell us what he/she is seeing. Is there a hole? How big is it? What is the damage? Is the aorta in fact in the wrong spot? Will she need surgery? When? Will I be able to hold her when she is born? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I have been hearing so many wonderful stories of people who have given birth to babies with heart issues, needing heart surgery, holes. etc. People are asking me who our doctor will be to see if we will have the same doctor they had/have. And the stories are great! They give us hope!
But I’m tired of joining these clubs. I don’t want to be part of the “our-marriage-is-working-through-an-affair-club” or the “I-was-a-pastor-but-had-to-close-my-church-club” or the “my-child-has-a-heart-defect-and-is-joining-the-Children’s-Hospital-club”, or the numerous other not fun clubs I’ve been initiated into against my will.
Why can’t I be part of the “I-got-to-go-to-Disneyland-club” or the “I-lost-100-pounds-club” or the “I-won-an-Oscar-club”? (Ok, I know the last one is next to impossible, but it’s something I REALLY would love to do!!!)
I know, I’m being selfish and having a little pity party.
I’m just so scared. There’s just so much going on in life right now I don’t feel like I can face this too.
We are praying for a miracle, but I have so many doubts that God will give it to us. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because life just keeps getting harder and harder for us lately. Maybe it’s because I know that God likes to teach us things in our hardships, through pain, growing our faith when we have to trust Him because there is nowhere else to go.
This time though. I guess I want the easy way out. I want to see God’s amazing, miraculous Hand at work again.
I want to be part of the “the-doctors-can’t-explain-it-but-there-is-nothing-wrong-with-her-anymore-but-I-know-exactly-what-happened-and-God-gets-all-the-credit-for-healing-my-little-girl-club”!
[Forgive my rambling…it’s very late and I’m very tired. I just thought if I got this out it would help me to sleep tonight.}