Gosh, having a second pregnancy is SO different than the first! And I knew it would be. Even when I was pregnant with Caleb I remember thinking how much I will miss being able to relax, nap, rest during the months of crazy pregnancy exhaustion. And, oh, how true that was!
But, I did not expect it to go SO FAST this time! I hit the third trimester already! I only have 12 (or less) weeks to go! Where did the time go??
All of a sudden I have this giant belly….which I am still wondering how in the world it’s going to get bigger and where she is going fit!
And I have clothes like these hanging in the closet in Caleb’s room:
With Caleb I was SO TERRIFIED of giving birth! I ended up having a c-section with him, but I was so scared about going into labor and having to actually deliver a person!
With little girl, I just want to keep her inside as long as I can. Not because I’m afraid of labor, but because she is safe there! I can keep her safe. She does not have to struggle for oxygen in my belly. Her blood is pumping just fine right now. I can give her warmth, she isn’t struggling to eat, I can feed her just fine (with lots of yummy holiday treats! 😉
But, I know, come February, I won’t be able to protect her as well. She will struggle. She may have a hard time eating. She may get very exhausted when trying to eat and breathe. I will have to watch every breath to make sure she is ok and getting enough oxygen. I will have to give her heart medication so that she won’t suffer heart failure symptoms.
I won’t be able to protect her as much anymore.
And all I want to do is keep her close and safe. And not suffering and struggling. But once she is outside my body that job is going to be much harder.
And I don’t want Caleb to feel pushed aside by his little sister and all the attention and care that she will need. I don’t want him to feel less loved. He has been through SO MUCH these last two years as Tim and I deal with the affair, closing the church, jobs, etc, etc. I don’t want anything else to harm him either!
I find myself struggling with so many fears. There is so much that I can’t do anything about right now. We won’t know exactly how much care or how many issues baby girl will have until she is here. We won’t know how Caleb is going to react to having a baby sister around until she is here. We don’t know much of anything until she is born and we figure things out one day at a time.
And I need to be ok with that. I need to increase my trust and belief that God DOES know ALL of that….and SO much more! I need to trust Caleb in God’s Hands. I need to trust baby girl in His Hands. Because my hands are incredibly incapable. My hands can do so little compared to His. And we desperately need His Hands wrapped around our family, guiding us, holding us, strengthening us.
And I know He will. I know He IS.
I just forget…..OFTEN. It’s hard to give up control, especially of this tiny little life I love to feel kicking my belly! And the not as tiny life who smiles at me and hugs me and is currently singing “Frosty the Snowman” without ceasing! I want to hang on to them. TIGHTLY.
So, we take it one step at a time.
And tomorrow I have another ultrasound with the perinatologist. And I’m planning to go in asking them to give me GOOD news. Even just the mundane things. I want to hear things like, “She has two arms, two legs, and one head.” THAT is good news! And I will take it! THAT will make me happy tomorrow!
AND, we still need to pick a name for this sweet little fighter girl!