A big day!

January 19, 2010 vs. January 19, 2012

Today I had my weekly ultrasound and my last growth scan of Baby Bubbles!  It went great.  She did everything they look for her to do and all looked well.  We even got to see lots of HAIR!  Caleb was born with a full head of hair and I was kinda hoping Bubbles would too…it looks like that is just about guaranteed!  They saw nothing that was any cause for alarm, and I got to see her cute chubby cheeks again!  She is measuring big….a whopping 8 pounds 1 ounce at 36 weeks!  At most I have 3 weeks to go which (if she follows the general growth curve) would put her at about 9.5 pounds when she’s born.  A little big?  Yes.  But we just make big babies!  And the ultrasound measurements can be off by up to 2 pounds!  As long as she’s healthy, I’m good with that!

So, that’s how I got to start my day….gazing at my little girl and wondering when we will get to hold her in our arms.

But 2 years ago today…..one of the worst if not the worst day of my life.

Two years ago today is when Tim confessed to me his affair and my world imploded.  I won’t rehash all the details.  It’s just simply not necessary.  But these past several weeks have been hard.  UGH!  SO many triggers!  Really out of nowhere things!  Dumb little things that should not even make me think of the affair just pop into my head!  Songs on the radio that have nothing to do with anything somehow get linked up to thoughts or questions I have about the affair, the whys, the memories.  It’s painful. And HORRIBLY frustrating.

It’s frustrating because Tim is doing so much better right now.  WE are doing better.  There are moments when I think there is no way THIS man could have had an affair.  And it’s so frustrating to be thrown back there for no good reason outside of Satan trying to drag me down again in my “fragile” {read exhausted and maybe slightly hormonal} state.

People like to say, “It’s time to put the past behind you.  Don’t let it bother you.  Don’t dwell on it.  It’s over.  Move on…” Those kinds of things.  If it were that easy, there would be little need for psychologists and counselors, right?!?  I PROMISE you, on a stack of Bibles, I DON’T dwell on it!  I am not kidding when I say these things pop into my head out of nowhere.  If it were a matter of flipping a switch so that these dumb little triggers would never prick my heart again I assure you I would do it!  But it doesn’t work like that.

The last few weeks Tim has been amazing!  The end of this pregnancy has been rough for me with lots of contractions, discomfort and down-right pain sometimes.  Tim has put me on “bed rest” a bit and is doing most everything around here!  He has been so supportive and encouraging.  I’m seeing him let God in and do some work on his heart.

And it’s wonderful!

And it’s scary!

Because I’m struggling to trust it.  I’m struggling to trust that this won’t be another roller coaster ride where we plummet again soon and this becomes just a foggy, distant memory that may or may not have been reality.

And I know that’s no way to live.  I can’t keep him and everything he does at arm’s length….JUST IN CASE.  That’s not how we heal.

So, I’ve been trying to let my guard down some.  I’m trying to let myself laugh more.  Let myself enjoy what we have right now, today.  And not worry so much about whether or not it will be the same tomorrow.  Because it’s here now.  And I’m trying not to miss it.  I’m trying not to compare it to the past, or worry about it’s presence in the future.

But it’s hard.  Today, it’s hard.

Today holds a weird collision of the past and the future.  What happened today two years ago colliding with  seeing the daughter of our future.

And it’s kinda messy.

But life is messy sometimes….most of the time.  God never promised us a perfect, clean, neat little life.  He promised us Himself.  IN the mess.  Never leaving, no matter how messy it gets.

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2 thoughts on “A big day!

  1. It is messy, isn’t it? Just days after Tim confessed, we found out we were pregnant with lily. Even as we held our twins in the NICU, we thought of lily. our timelines are forever intertwined with the wonderful, the good, the bad and the ugly. Love you.

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