Looking back as things move forward

We’ve been going to Brew City Church for a while now.  The pastors are really amazing!  It’s a very different kind of church.  Different than we are used to anyway.  It is much more laid back than any church I’ve been a part of, which can be very refreshing, and sometimes a little frustrating for the “Creative Programmer” in me.  But it is, undoubtedly, filled with love.  The pastors make it abundantly clear each week that, first and foremost, God loves us more than anything else.  But also, THEY love us!

A couple weeks ago we met with one of the pastors because he wanted to share something with Tim and I before we heard it in church.

Our church will be merging with Metrobrook Church in April.  In this merge our church will move into Metrobrook’s building.  The church will be called Brew City Church, and our pastor will be the lead pastor.  But the two bodies will be merging with one another.

That may not mean much to you reading this, but it was quite a punch in the gut for me.  Metrobrook is the “parent” church that “planted” Veritas.  Long story short Tim and I were youth pastors at a church and Tim sought out a mentor to meet with.  That mentor was the pastor of Metrobrook Church.  Soon after their relationship started he asked Tim if he would be interested in a position at their church as Church Planting Residency.  This would be a time where he would be on staff at Metrobrook learning, and at the same time, preparing to start their first new church.  We were not looking to leave our youth pastor positions, but felt this was a good move, so Tim took the job.  At the same time we found out we were pregnant with Caleb!

Fast forward a year and a half-ish and we started Vertias.  The relationship with Metrobrook was not what we had hoped for, or, in retrospect, what they had wanted to provide, but we were well in the throws of starting this new church and were ready to just let God lead and forge ahead with passion, vision, and excitement.

Our relationship with Metrobrook ended horribly.  There is no other way to put it.  And really, I’m keeping it kind.  It was a very painful, hurtful, terrible way for that relationship to end.  Very soon after that the lead pastor resigned from that church.

About a month after Metrobrook cut ties with us is when Tim confessed his affair to me.

I don’t know if I had ever felt so alone in my life.  The amount of betrayal, feeling stabbed in the back, horrible mistrust was overwhelming.  I had nowhere to turn.  I had to lead this struggling, horribly wounded church with no one to help me.  Nowhere to turn for advice since our “parent” church had basically, cruelly, just kicked me to the curb. (Or at least, that’s how I felt).

BUT, that was two years ago.

However, this news of our church now MERGING with this church has stirred up A LOT of feelings.  Brought up a lot of memories.  And my head is having a hard time overruling my heart.

FAILURE.

That is one of the overarching words that keeps coming up.  Keeps haunting me.  Keeps slapping me in the face.

Walking into that building, facing those people, means I have to face people who prayed for us.  Who gave money to us.  The hard earned money they gave paid for the gas for Tim to drive to meet up with the woman he chose to have an affair with.  I don’t have any idea how Metrobrook explained the sudden cutting off of Vertias, so I don’t know what they know or think.  I don’t even know who of them know about the affair (the cutting off of Veritas had nothing to do with the affair).

I have to walk into that building not as a pastor, not as a leader, not as anything but a failure.  I failed at leading a church.  I failed at keeping my marriage together.  I failed at seeing the signs my husband was having an affair.

These are my FEELINGS.  I know in my head they are not all accurate…..but I can’t get past the FEELINGS that this all brings up.

The pastor who was there at the time and made most of the harsh decisions is no longer there.  And I have met with and made amends with the pastor who is still there.  But going back there just brings up those feelings of pain, betrayal, abandonment.

I’m trying very hard to CHOOSE to look at God instead of the circumstances around me.  To look at what HE has done.  To see the miracle of Him holding Tim and I and Caleb together as a family.  And bringing a sweet daughter to our family.  To remember He doesn’t care about me being a pastor….He cares about me being His daughter.  He wants to heal us and bring us closer to Him, to make us whole, to transform us into His beautiful child more than He wants us to DO for Him.

But, it is a lot harder to find His eyes than it is to look into the eyes of the people I feel I have failed and let down.

I know in my head this church merge is good and right.  It will be expanding God’s Kingdom, His influence in our city.  I know that in my head.  But my heart just wants to RUN.  Run far and fast!

But I won’t.  I won’t run.

I will drag these heavy legs through those doors.  I can’t guarantee right now that my head will be high….but hopefully by April I will have let God do more work and maybe I will be able to hold my head up as I walk through those doors.

Maybe.

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3 thoughts on “Looking back as things move forward

  1. Pingback: SAHM « this and that and then some

  2. Hi Vicky,

    I don’t know if you remember me, but I’ve been attending Metrobrook Church for over 5 years now. I very much remember you and Tim and I’ve been reading your journey on this site for some time. I felt compelled to speak out on here about the level of betrayal I felt when I discovered my husband was having an affair. It was just so comforting to read everything you wrote about your feelings, and your strength has been very inspiring (even though my marriage did not survive, though in my situation that was for the best).

    I remember being heartbroken when hearing the news about Veritas. Everything after that happened in a blur and I don’t feel very much was outwardly explained. Metrobrook then had to go through massive transitions and times of uncertainty. Some people left right away, others after a while. Some stuck it out. The shift was necessary to look inward at the brokenness within our own walls… something we NEEDED to acknowledge. Over time, this created an openness within our body that has really strengthened the family. I wasn’t a fan of the journey to get there, but God never left that place and all we had to do was keep our eyes focused on Him. I’m looking forward to what the new changes can bring. I don’t blame you one bit for being hurt by what happened. I truly wish I had a better understanding of everything. We were definitely hurting, too… hurting for Veritas, hurting for your family, hurting for your losses and ours, hurting with sadness.

    I feared going back to MB after my divorce was announced, as my ex-husband had been the one to introduce me to Metrobrook and everyone in it. I was so embarrassed, so deeply betrayed, feeling so worthless. I had to walk back in there and admit how he had fooled me into believing that he had any intention of honoring me, of loving me well, of being a follower of Jesus Christ. He no longer attends Metrobrook, but I have been welcomed and loved by the rest of the body. I very much consider it my home and glad I stuck it out through the rough times and the changes.

    I can personally say I’d be thrilled to see both of you and Caleb (he was just a BABY the last time I saw him!) and Baby Bubbles on Sunday mornings. Even if you choose not to, or choose to wait a while before visiting, that is entirely understandable. Regardless of how you feel led, know that I will continue to root for you and the progress you continue to make on your sincere journey with God. Take care!

    Much love,
    Kelsi

    • thank you SO much for writing, Kelsi! I am so deeply pained and sorry to hear you’ve had to walk this road of betrayal in your marriage and the dissolution of it. I wish NO ONE had to go through this. EVER! but, unfortunately, sin and brokenness is a part of our world and we run into it every day. i am so glad to hear that you stuck with Metrobrook and the support that family has been to you!! I know the church has been through some extremely painful and difficult times and my heart is sad for that! i can see now how God is restoring that church body and how He has been walking with all of you through all the ups and downs. that doesn’t make it easy, but it makes it a bit less lonely and offers HOPE when it can feel hopeless at times!

      if you ever need to talk i’m certainly available! thank you so much for writing and sharing with me! it means a lot!

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